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Cyber Healing PhD
Eat your heart out
Unwanted opportunity to practice the principles of Attitudinal Healing ( 23:30:12 MonApr 18 2005 ) |
As I was getting ready for work today there was a knock on my door. I was already late and feeling flustered, so it was not a good time for surpries. When I opened the door I was greeted by brother-in-law, who almost literally had smoke stemming out his nostrils.
He launched into a four-letter expletitive tirade against me and what he calls my "f--ked family". It seems that his kids were crying this morning and I was the reason they were upset. It seems he's upset because ever since I moved into the area his wife/ my sister has changed a lot in her interactions with him. She wants him to enter therapy, and address some of the many issues which could bre related to NPD. He went on to say she's been spending too much time with me and not addressing his needs, and doing the things he thinks she should be doing. He acknowledged that there marriage was not good before I came to the area and he simply does not know how to deal with everything that is happening. He told me that the last thing in the world he wants to put his kids through is a divorce, especially an ugly one, and this one was shapping up to be very ugly. He said that if this happened there would be hell to pay. He than stared at me for a few seconds, said "f--k it," and stormed off.
My initial reaction was defensive and wanted to tell him I am not the cause of his problems. As he was launching into his tirade I felt myself consciously thinking about the twelfth principle of Attitudinal Healing in that we can choose to see ourselves and others as either extending love or giving a fearful cry for help. I was able to avoid responding in anger because I say the cry for help, but I was frozen in terms of exactly what peaceful reaction I could have. The immediate problem was over almost as fast as it started.
Later in the morning I was called out of the office to take a call from my sister. She wanted me to meet her for lunch as she had her two kids with her. It seems the most problem started this morning when her husband blew up at their daughter for not having her homework done. About that same time my sister was getting something out of her son's backpack and a ball fell out and started bouncing across the breakfast table. Their son tried to grab the ball and knocked over the orange juice. This sent their father further into a rage and had everyone in tears. My sister decided the kids didn't have to go to school because they were so upset. It seems she told them to pretend they were going to school and actually had them with her as she was running errands all day. This worked until a little while ago when she reported that encountered her husband at one of the places they were going. In other words her day has been already as confusing as mine.
I am sitting here already trying to juggle the emotions of a new relationship, a stressful job, a 14 year-old temporary (I hope) foster kid, and now it seems I am to blame for the fact that my sister's marriage is crashing and burning. At one level I know this is not true, but it brings out a lot of fear in my because I have a lot of unresolved issues and fear about my parents divorce and other early traumas in my life. In one way the fear I was feeling this morning almost felt as though it was the fear of a very small child who really didn't know what to do in this situation.
Now that I see the fearful cryful for help both in myself and in others I am clearly struggling with how to respond peacefully. This is shaping up to be a much more colorful period in my life than I was hoping for and I hope I have the strength to work through everything with a peaceful heart.
Instead of quoting the Budda, be the Budda, be "the awakened one," which is what the word budda means.
Eckhart Tolle, "The Power of Now"
|Mood:||Mood Now: ( Bruised ) Post Mood: ( Chatty )|
Re: Unwanted opportunity to practice the principles of Attitudinal Healing ( 05:32:45 TueApr 19 2005 ) |
First off, I'm impressed you were able to control the impulse to not respond in anger. Not so sure I could have done that. I don't like being put on the defensive at all.
I can see how it would have triggered a "fearful cry" from the small child inside.
Personally, I think that small child is the only one who needs the attention and response of love.
Seems your brother-in-law wanted to vent and you were "it".
If it were me, the only peaceful response I can think of would be, "I'm sorry you feel that way".
Then I'd look at Lesson 5???
Looks like your brother-in-law is in denial. The success or failure of his marriage isn't your responsibility anymore than your parent's was.
Re: Unwanted opportunity to practice the principles of Attitudinal Healing ( 20:28:25 WedApr 20 2005 ) |
I dunno Tony... I'm shaking my head sideways because I , like you, would have wanted to explode right back in his face, so I guess you should be commended for your ability to stay calm.
I'm not so sure if there isn't a half-way point, however, something between doing nothing and exploding.
I'm a true fan of Dr. Phil and his ability to call a spade a spade when it's begging for proper identification.
I'm leaning towards "Hey man, take a look at your dumb-azz standing here blowing-off on my doorstep. You are welcome to return and discuss this WHEN I'm available, and WHEN you are chilled and ready to admit your temperament is an issue in all of this. I want your marriage and my sister's marriage to improve, and I'm here if you desire to cooly discuss matters."
Since I know nothing else about the relationship, I can't comment any further, but I do feel certain his temperament is an issue. I honestly believe it needs to be pointed out to him as much as possible, in as unthreatening of way as possible, yet never ignoring the truth.
I think there is a standard of behavior from him which must be demanded by you, and you need to command his respect.
Know what I'm saying?
I definitely think the respectful thing to do is to go to the memorial service. I understand your issues regarding that completely... but I think if you know you've done what is right, it will bring peace to yourself....so long as it doesn't cause a disruption from him during the service, which I highly doubt.
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