"Out beyond ideas of right-doing and wrong-doing there is a field. I'll meet you there." ----- Jalal ad-Din Muhammad Balkhi-Rumi, 13th century Sufi poet.

"Have faith that people do their best. I don't know anyone who would eat with pigs out of a trough in a muddy barnyard if he knew that a well-prepared meal was on the table in a clean house - do you?" Greg Baer

"The Secret in healing Narcissism is not to heal it at all, but to listen to it. Narcissism is a signal that the soul is not being loved sufficiently. The greater the Narcissism, the less love being given." ~ Thomas Moore, 'Care of the Soul'.

Q. Is it really possible to heal NPD?

A. Anything is possible. You do not have to be a negative statistic on a probablity curve of people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Heal NPD :: Open Topic :: Reconciliation
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Little_by_Little
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Reconciliation ( 12:43:07 SatApr 23 2005 )

My husband and I have agreed to a trial reconciliation of sorts. We have agreed he must remain in therapy but at least for now we're not going to attempt family therapy. To be perfectly honest I make this move with reluctance. Not because I want our relationship to end but because I fear things will return to where they were. The frightening thing for me is that over the past few months life was getting worse instead of better with him supposedly working in therapy. Part of me says reconciliation is a mistake. That I'm leaving myself open for more pain. Even so I care enough about this man and our relationship that I feel called to make every effort to try and find happiness in our lives together.

During the discussion Thursday evening when we agreed to try reconciliation he raised a concern that I'm not entirely certain how to address. He believes that I am taking advantage of his NPD label and blaming things on him simply because he is NPD. He went as far as to suggest that at least he's working on improving himself while I continue in the same pattern.

I'd like to be fair with him and allow him to express his feelings because obviously his inability to do so in the past has created problems. I admit his comment stung more then a little. Perhaps there is some truth behind what he says, but I also think its an attack of sorts. So I don't really know how to respond without making it sound as though I'm blaming him or his label? All I want is a peaceful life and I don't really know how to achieve that. :sad:

  
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TcBrown
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Re: Reconciliation ( 16:07:57 SatApr 23 2005 )

I hope the reconciliation works out for you, Little :smile:

Speaking as an NPDer I can relate to why your husband might have a fear that everything that goes wrong is going to be blamed on him and/or "his" NPD. To a degree I think its human nature to blame something that is seemingly sticking out like a sore thumb - such as a known case of NPD. I believe there have been occassions where certain members of my family have dismissed my feelings or concerns because they attributed it to my "disorder." That's a pretty painful thing to experience when you are working toward acknowledging the legitimacy of your feelings. This is not to suggest that in most cases they went out of their way looking for something to blame, rather they seemingly latched on to the first thing they could find to avoid having to address some of the undercurrent issues within our family.
In my mind this is another excellent reason to steer far away from any and all labels.

I'll suggest here again if you make an honest effort to practice the principles of Attitudinal Healing in your everyday dealings with your husband, and others, you'll find yourself moving away from a need to cause separation by expressions of passing blame or guilt around whether or not his NPD is the cause of a problem. Remember we can only change our own behavior, and we can choose to be peaceful no matter what is happening in the world around us.

Good luck

Tony



---
Instead of quoting the Budda, be the Budda, be "the awakened one," which is what the word budda means.

Eckhart Tolle, "The Power of Now"

 
 
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jimmie
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Re: Reconciliation ( 17:38:39 SatApr 23 2005 )

Good luck working things out with your husband. I've found that with my family NPD was talked about alot in the early days following the diagnosis of my son and myself. After a little time it lost some of the fascination and I think the tendency to automatically blame various things on the disorder faded. To be honest I'd say I was more guilty of blaming npd on my son's behavior then others, most especially my wife, were to do the same with me. There is a certain discipline in facing the pain instead of getting stuck trying to analyze or blame a thing that is out there. Once upon a time I would have said the elephant in the room my family was avoiding was NPD. Nowadays its becoming clear the elephant is actually all the stuff which leads to NPD. Once you realize that it feels rather hollow to say you are doing such and such because of NPD. Give yourself time and if you feel a need to blame something try and look at what is making you feel that way instead of allowing yourself to be victimized by the need to blame.

jimmie

  
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Little_by_Little
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Re: Reconciliation ( 16:41:33 SunApr 24 2005 )

Things are off to a somewhat rocky beginning. My husband got up in a foul mood. He barked at our oldest for wasting a lot of time and falling behind in his homework. Our son stormed out of the house in a fit of anger. Next he snapped at me because he feels the problem we have at the log house is caused in part because he's having to do all the work himself with little or no support from any of the rest of us.

To his credit he got all this out of his system and disappeared into his office for an hour. When he came out he said he wanted to talk and we had a nice conversation where he said he just feels so frustrated when everything isn't to his standards. I've heard others in this community say the same thing. He admitted he could have spoken to our son and myself in a nicer tone. Its times like this that make me think there is more then one person living inside of him. I wish the real person would step forward so the rest of us knew what we are really dealing with.


  
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