"Out beyond ideas of right-doing and wrong-doing there is a field. I'll meet you there." ----- Jalal ad-Din Muhammad Balkhi-Rumi, 13th century Sufi poet.

"Have faith that people do their best. I don't know anyone who would eat with pigs out of a trough in a muddy barnyard if he knew that a well-prepared meal was on the table in a clean house - do you?" Greg Baer

"The Secret in healing Narcissism is not to heal it at all, but to listen to it. Narcissism is a signal that the soul is not being loved sufficiently. The greater the Narcissism, the less love being given." ~ Thomas Moore, 'Care of the Soul'.

Q. Is it really possible to heal NPD?

A. Anything is possible. You do not have to be a negative statistic on a probablity curve of people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Heal NPD :: Open Topic :: Who I would like to be has little to do with who I am
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Hewhoshouldnotbenamed
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Who I would like to be has little to do with who I am ( 19:19:36 MonApr 25 2005 )

I know we don't dulge much into the DSM sh-t so humor me on something I believe is f--king around with my life. I seem to be noticing myself spending a lot of time daydreaming about myself in all kinds of roles that I know I can never achieve. Everything from President of the US to manager of the Dodgers. Sometimes I even see myself performing on stage but instead of me I am Bruce Springsteen or someone like that.

All of my fantasies have me with more fame and money then I can ever get in reality. In my fantasies I'm great looking, powerful, loved, and have no Dad who blew his brains out when I was a pup. Maybe I've always had these dreams but lately they are intruding and preventing me from doing much of anything. I should be looking for a job instead I sit around on my rear dreaming about what it would be like to be someone else. I'd give almost anything to be anyone other than myself. Know what I mean?

I appreciate everything people say about getting to know my true self. The problem is I'd rather be almost anyone other then myself. I'm sure if I was someone else I wouldn't have pain. Money and power may not be happiness in the real world but I'd love to have that kind of unhappiness. It has to be better then anything I've currently got going. I mean I'm certain I could do a better job of running the country than W or a better job of healing me than my T person is doing. So I should be a rockstar, politician, moviestar, T person all combined into one. It might not make me happy or bring me closer to who I am but I'd really like a set set of problems to fix.





  
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taransmith
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Re: Who I would like to be has little to do with who I am ( 21:05:41 MonApr 25 2005 )

Hey, Hewho. I think its understandable that someone who has been through the kind of hell you have would spend a lot of time wishing you were someone else. I'm guessing the key here is not to say to yourself, "Oh my God I'm a f--ked walrus because I don't like my life!" :nonono:

I do some of the fantasy sh-t myself and sometimes it carries me to places I don't want to be. I especially tend to imagine what it would be like to have someone else as parents because some part of me is convinced anyone else would have to be better than what I got stuck with!

When I was growing up I spent a lot of time at my friends houses because I was really uncomfortable with either Mom or Dad. There used to be a joke about how many Mom's I had because I kept trying to move in to my friend's homes. Now I think I was jealous of them though had you said that to me at the time it would have started a fight. I just had to be somewhere different from the reality I felt trapped in. You know the grass is always greener on the other side of the street kind of deal.

I'm starting to get to know the real me and I feel less of a need to try and be someone else. I won't say it never happens but its not nearly the force it once was. Hopefully it'll go away as I grow stronger. I really think the mind is playing tricks on us and saying its easier to pretend we are someone else so we don't have to feel our pain. The scary part is that the pain will eat us alive if we keep trying to be someone else. It haunts our dreams and makes us feel sh-tty in every way. So in my NPD way I'm trying to say you need to tell yourself there is only one you and no matter how much its hurts to be you at least the pain is yours. Maybe its the first thing an NPDer can ever really call their own?

I enjoyed doing this because I should be cramming for finals and I don't want to. :cookiemonster:

  
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jimmie
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Re: Who I would like to be has little to do with who I am ( 01:09:13 TueApr 26 2005 )

At various times in my life I've been convinced I could do almost any job. I'm not sure what it says about me that I was so sure I could do a better job of running my company or the country while messing up my family fairly throughly. I'm lucky because my wife is a pretty good reality check for me. When I start floating off to the world of how I can do everything better then others she tells me all she wants is for me to be the best I can possibly be at what is happening right now. I don't know where I'd be without her keeping me grounded. Do you have someone in your life who you could trust at this level? Your T person might be a good place to start. Introspection is great but it can be a bummer if you don't feel there is a way to get out of the emotional pits. I hope you don't clobber yourself too much for wanting to run away from the pain. My best advice is to just be you because that's all any of us can ask for in life.

  
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malison
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Re: Who I would like to be has little to do with who I am ( 01:57:27 TueApr 26 2005 )

I know daydreaming to the point of disconnecting from real life is no good and has been one of my major life trends. In fact on various levels it seems like I am battling it constantly, even listening to someone speak for a few moments, or listening to an entire song, from beginning to end, without my mind running off to some other reality, I miss out on alot. I guess I am working on finding a place in between unrealistic or escapist daydreams and what is really interesting and exciting to me, and maybe merging the two. There has to be even in the pain and confusion the seeds of a dream, which isn't fantasy, but something that can actually be realized. For example, if you are fantasizing about being president maybe it means you would enjoy a little small scale political activism, or of managing the Dodgers, more fun things around baseball. Don't know if that's any help but I think I can identify with the dilemma.

  
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Hewhoshouldnotbenamed
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Re: Who I would like to be has little to do with who I am ( 02:53:14 TueApr 26 2005 )

I actually got motivated enough to talk with my T person about this today. He said a lot of the same kinds of things you guys are saying. I guess it all makes sense, kind of. I wish I didn't resent being me. I'd really like to be able to feel good about who I am but so far the only thing that seems to make me feel good is when I pretend I'm someone else. Probably the biggest problem I have is I get mad at others for having a better life then I do and sometimes I do things to them like when I started inventing phony jobs at radio stations and pretending I was the guy doing the hiring. I had one guy all set to move out and take the job before he found out it was a hoax. Its was cool having that feeling of being the one making the decisons because I don't know if I'll ever have that feeling in real life.

  
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Re: Who I would like to be has little to do with who I am ( 14:30:54 TueApr 26 2005 )

I understand what you're going through. I fantasize all the time, but it is always about myself being the best at what it is I do.

What kinds of things would you fantasize about if the dreams were about YOU? Can you close your eyes and see yourself doing wonderful things? Not being someone else, but yourself. What amazing things would you do? Steer yourself from being pres or a famous rock star, because chances are you probably won't be those anytime soon (though, maybe?), and concentrate on you being the best you can be.

What kinds of things would you do?

Fantasizing about being someone else is a form of escapism. I choose alcohol and computer games, myself, being somewhat antisocial. These things can be counterproductive.

People who are damaged like us retreat to our womb-state when we feel vulnerable. The guy I just went out on a date with rejected me, and I feel very tender and the need to retreat into a cocoon and drink many bottles of wine and cry. It would be easy to fantasize about my being successful as an actor and composer to cover up the pain of rejection and fear of abandonment I feel now. But...fantasy is just that. If I don't get out there and find someone else to date, I WILL be lonely forever.

So...see if you can change your fantasies to make them about yourself and what it is you can do. And do well. Then concetrate on doing a few of those things.

You will only be a rock star or a president in your own world if you don't do something in the real one. Appreciate the fantasies for what they are....a place to hide, heal and repair. Then come out and join the rest of us in the world!

Good luck! :smile:

  
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TcBrown
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Re: Who I would like to be has little to do with who I am ( 15:22:33 TueApr 26 2005 )

This is something that has haunted me and at times threatened to push me far of course in terms of connecting with my true self. I think this is another form of running that is talked about in the Getting and Protecting behaviors people use. Come to think of it in a way its also a cry for help that is so veiled most people overlook it. I'm impressed that Hewho was able to open with his therapist about this because for me is was something I'm sure my therapist suspected was happening but it took me a long time to reach a place where I felt comfortable talking about it.

I think I fantasized about having talents or powers that were unrealistic because if I had these I might be able to rid myself of all pain. Oh man if only life were that simple. I remember the words of a politician back in the 1980's who simply suggested dream yes, face reality yes. Its usually not harmful to allow ourselves to drift away while reading a book, watching a movie or listening to music as long as we realize the difference between fantasy and reality. We all need some kind of escape from the everyday pain, but if we start believing that we are in a place that is not real then the risk of getting into trouble becomes very high.

The interesting thing is that in my fantasies I often display more emotions then I usually show in real life. I guess its safer to have these emotions when we are telling ourselves they belong to another person in another reality. But as is taught in ACIM nothing unreal exists. So these emotions that I feel while in these fantasy states are simply distracting me from my own emotions. I guess that's the point our ego is working toward - we don't want to feel our real emotions so we become someone else in our minds.

The best and only way I've found to work through this is to be honest with ourself that these fantasies exist and to explore their roots with a qualified professional. There are lessons to be learned but you need to beware of the danger of overanlying the fantaises at the expense of spending time on what is real. The closer you get to your true self the less common these fantasies will become.



---
Instead of quoting the Budda, be the Budda, be "the awakened one," which is what the word budda means.

Eckhart Tolle, "The Power of Now"

 
 
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Hewhoshouldnotbenamed
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Re: Who I would like to be has little to do with who I am ( 01:22:55 WedApr 27 2005 )

Quote:



What kinds of things would you fantasize about if the dreams were about YOU? Can you close your eyes and see yourself doing wonderful things?



Sometimes the dreams are all about me. I dream that the rock star or the President is my real life. Its like I took over the body of the other person and now I am living their life, but its still me. Sometimes, not often, I even have some old sh-t that I dream people are more accepting of. I guess they are more accepting because I have more talents. I really hate my life.

  
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