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Heal NPD :: Open Topic :: Telling my kids its really over
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weissfamily
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Telling my kids its really over ( 15:59:21 WedApr 27 2005 )

My middle daughter has in a not very subtle way suggested to both her mother and myself she thinks we should try getting back together and being a whole family again. It seems she has come to believe that our recent improved relations in terms of my loaning her mother money, and joint decision making is a sign we really love each other and a reconcilation is on the horizon.

There is no doubt that things have improved in the time since our divorce but I have no interest or intention of ever restarting this relationship. From the discussions I've had with my ex she feels much the same way. I like the fact that most of the time we seem to be able to be decent with each other, yet this is a long way from any desire to reconcile.

So far I haven't said much about these hints when they've surfaced because I don't really know how to tell her that it really is over. With any kind of good fortune her mother and I will remain on reasonably good terms and continue to be a part of our kids lives in a variety of ways. At the same time I can now see myself one day starting a new relationship that could drastically alter everything about my relationship with my ex. That is down the road but something I suspect will be hard for our kids. I am wondering if others have experience talking about the fact it really is over and explaining that with luck we can be friends but that's all it ever will be?

Thanks in advance.

  
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melaniemac
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Re: Telling my kids its really over ( 19:25:31 WedApr 27 2005 )

Can't be a lot of help here, Weiss. My children are considerably younger so it's an entirely different situation. Whenever my son tells me he wants daddy to move home I am just very honest with him that his daddy still loves him, but we are just not together anymore. It is also something he discusses with his counsellor. I also have a few good books on the subject, but they are really geared towards younger children.

I would maybe look to your library however, and see if they have any resources. I have a book called "Kids are not divorceable" and it discusses divorce for different age groups, how to deal with dating again, their reconciliation questions, etc.

Take care,

Mel

  
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Dracula
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Re: Telling my kids its really over ( 19:30:55 WedApr 27 2005 )

I have no kids so my perspective is one from a kid who suffered from parents who stayed together for the sake of the kids, or so they thought. I'd be pretty honest and tell them Mommy and Daddy are friends but we cannot live together anymore. This might not go over well but from personal experience I have to believe it would be better to have that pain over years of living in a dysfunctional home.

Drac

  
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jimmie
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Re: Telling my kids its really over ( 23:08:06 WedApr 27 2005 )

There is an innocence about childhood that leads us to believe our families can one day be happy or at least functional. Its pretty normal to want a Mom and Dad. To me I think its important to make sure your daughter knows both her parents will always be a part of her life even though they might not love each other. Somehow she needs to be told and shown that differences between her parents don't extend to her, that you both love her very deeply. Real life is not a fairy tale and unfortunately divorce is a reality. I would hope if she understands that the love is there regardless of where her parents might live that she will be better able to accept the divorce.

  
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TcBrown
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Re: Telling my kids its really over ( 12:17:55 ThuApr 28 2005 )

Weiss, it kind of feels as though you are working through some important issues resulting from your wife and you making the choice not to run away and hide. My reaction would be it seems you have established a healthy boundry whereby you seek joining while living your separate lives. I'd call this a very healthy step in your development.

I remember how my next oldest sister and I felt abandoned by our Father after the divorce when he moved to another state. Together we spent considerable time appealing to his weakened emotional state to rescue us by allowing us to come live with him. I'm afraid at the time we simply had no concept of the big picture involved in the family or how far apart my Mother and Father had grown. It wasn't so much that we wanted them to get back together, we just wanted to be away from our Mother and older siblings.

In cases such as your daughter, my sister and myself I think there was some innocent magical thinking taking place that prevented us from facing our pain. Kids have the ability to see even the fainest glimmer of hope and latch on to it for dear life. I like the idea of being very honest and saying that you will both always be there for your kids but that for a lot of reasons the family will never be together again. This is one, of many, kinds of questions that were totally avoided when I was growing up. Looking back I think had my parents been able to face the truth it would have been much easier for the kids, especially my sister and myself.

Good luck




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Have faith that people do their best. I don't know anyone who would eat with pigs out of a trough in muddy barnyard if he knew that a well-prepared meal was on the table in a clean house - do you? Greg Baer.
 
 
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