For Steely and others who are struggling with the quote box, simply put the word quote in [ ] at the beginning of what you want to quote and /quote in [ ] at the end. I know this came up in another thread but it just dawned on me I didn't comment there. So kick me, its early on Saturday
I wonder if we're addicted to our pain...like we need it around at all times, sorta as fuel. Without it, who are we? Hmmm...
I think so. This makes me think back to my Senior yearbook from High School where one of my classmates comments was that pain means your alive, and besides its such a rush. This particular person was referring to physical pain, but there might be even more truth to this with regards to emotional pain.
With NPD it seems our pain equals incredible amounts of fear, and I think its the fear that provides the rush that is addictive. There is definitely fear around facing this issue in my life, but the real fear is letting go of this and facing the roots which give life to the fear. I remember how my heart raced the first time I ever felt fear. In some ways I felt more alive then ever before. No, this isn't a healthy way of experiencing life, but at the time it was the closest thing I knew and I guess it appealed to me at some level. I now see there are much better ways to experience life and I am strong enough not to return to certain old patterns, yet the fear still lurks on the surface of my mind.
I have told myself I am going to write a letter of apology to these people and mail it today. I hope it actually happens because I think this is an important step in moving forward to the next phase in my life.