i know this has been a pretty irrational much to do about nothing, but good god have i spent heaps of time going over past spoken and written conversations i have had with anyone checking, rechecking and rechecking again in case i have caused offense, hurt or acted as if i didn't care for other pts of view.
similarily, i hate walking away from situations for fear people think i leave with my nose up in the air and am really turning my back on them. i realise this is just a prob of my own ego and projections of thoughts. have also read that it is known as a specific set of circumstances presented to psychologists that can be treated. it can be seen as amounting to OCD (see Steven Phillipson via Grohl's pages). but i don't think it's that far on in me necessarily.
i used to manage by reminding myself, correctly, that i am not responsible for what others may or may not think and thus i must get on with my life. but then started worrying if this "mantra" would eventually end up indeed as an excuse for not listening. i've been on the receiving end when this kind of statement felt pretty much like lip-service.
i also come from a family where you'd be called "a real littte madam" by just respecting your own boundaries - usually i'd end up nervously laughing with them about being uppity. so it was a bit of a thing not to be a "snob" growing up, i spose - especially against the background of what i heard about one side of my family coping with racism. ...and also in being tough in coping with whatever was thrown at me. the humour from my family was pretty ok in itself, i think - but over the years along with other things, maybe a few thoughts congealed together a bit oddly
but this week instead of seeing snobbery in myself or others or in ranting away to myself about my own limitations, i've reminded myself that if we were all able to understand the things impinging on each other on whoever we have contact with, we'd probably be fine with what each other has to do to carry on in life peacefully and lovingly, when this is what both parties are attempting in their own ways.
(what a bloody long and convoluted sentence...)...
this may seem a long way around and idealistic, but i feel it's away of reminding myself that i'm not negating the other, nor preventing myself from incorporating the thoughts of another at a more feasible time.
it was bugging me, as is the pimple that is drawing something chronic on the inside on my nose right now! my thoughts to all those sitting finals.
posting erratically just until i regroup again,