"Out beyond ideas of right-doing and wrong-doing there is a field. I'll meet you there." ----- Jalal ad-Din Muhammad Balkhi-Rumi, 13th century Sufi poet.

"Have faith that people do their best. I don't know anyone who would eat with pigs out of a trough in a muddy barnyard if he knew that a well-prepared meal was on the table in a clean house - do you?" Greg Baer

"The Secret in healing Narcissism is not to heal it at all, but to listen to it. Narcissism is a signal that the soul is not being loved sufficiently. The greater the Narcissism, the less love being given." ~ Thomas Moore, 'Care of the Soul'.

Q. Is it really possible to heal NPD?

A. Anything is possible. You do not have to be a negative statistic on a probablity curve of people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder

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hvanpelt
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He's a jerk ( 01:20:27 MonMay 2 2005 )

I married my husband when I was almost 33 and he had just turned 17. He comes from a live of privilege and believes the number of people wanting his bodies surpasses the population of some small countries. I married him primairly to offer him an escape from his family. We have been together for almost 3 years and so far he isn't showing any signs of wanting to get real about life. He pretty much regards the world as his to do whatever he feels like - whenever he feels like doing it. For a while this was fun but now I want more. I want a family. Damn it all I want a baby and my biological clock is ticking.

He has informed me that he's not ready to even think about kids. I cannot divorce him because we have a preneuptal agreement which prevents me from accessing most of the money we are living on if I leave . Last week he told me one day we could adopt a kid or two if we miss out on a real one. I almost slapped him across the room.

We have both started working with therapists. I have been told I have something like Personality Disorder Not Otherwise Specified with a lot of narcissism. He's just a jerk who thinks of me as a toy. He's not concerned about me because he's got lots of time to grow up. I need some help convinicing young Don Juan he needs to stop thinking of himself.

  
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TcBrown
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Re: He's a jerk ( 13:15:21 MonMay 2 2005 )

Welcome to our community, :smile:

My first response is I'm glad to hear you're both in therapy. I have a couple of questions that come from my perceptions of what you are describing. It sounds to me as though you feel as though you did your husband a favor and now expect one from him in return. Would this be a fair assessment? If so I think this is: a) a very classic example of conditional love, and b) an emotionally dangerous environment to bring a child into . Perhaps this is not what's actually happening but it sounds to me as though it could be.

Your age difference is likely playing a big role here. If your husband is only 20 years old is understandable he is does not feel ready to start a family. If that's what you were looking for as a condition of this relationship that's unfortunate. My best suggestion for both of you would be to continue in therapy and try and find a healthy resolution that addresses the best interests of all coner ned, including any potential future children.

Good luck



---
Have faith that people do their best. I don't know anyone who would eat with pigs out of a trough in muddy barnyard if he knew that a well-prepared meal was on the table in a clean house - do you? Greg Baer.
 
 
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Re: He's a jerk ( 15:05:14 MonMay 2 2005 )

Hiya, it's Inverted, too lazy to find my login.

Wanting to have children at your age: healthy and normal.

Him not wanting to have children at his age: healthy and normal.

You married a young guy. Because of the age difference, it was probably for a reason. Young guys are energetic, smooth, usually very pretty, virile, boyish. They have a lot of appeal to an older person. But they are, for the most part, emotionally their age. Sometimes even younger.

What's more important to you? Having the young man? Or having kids? If it's a young man, then you might have to put kids off until he feels ready (maybe after college?). If it's kids, you are better off finding a new mate who is ready for that in his life. I know a lot of men start feeling interested in kids in their mid to late 20's. I haven't met many who are interested under 25.

But, as TC was saying, if you want a young man AND kids (and, honey, I am right there with you) maybe therapy can help the two of you.

  
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hvanpelt
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Re: He's a jerk ( 18:36:49 MonMay 2 2005 )

The thing I want more than anything else is for him to acknowledge my wants and needs. I am not foolish enough to think our relationship is ideal. In reality its closer to a nightmare, but it is all I've got and I want to make the best of a bad situation. I want him to see me instead me always bowing to him for fear he'll leave me in the gutter.

  
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Re: He's a jerk ( 11:40:57 TueMay 3 2005 )

If your relationship is a "nightmare" would you be doing any potential future child a favor by bringing them into the world? It may be your husband is unable to see your view, but equally important is whether you can see how all of this would affect a child. If I were in this relationship I think the best option for now would be to continue therapy and see if you can work through other issues before thinking about a child.



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Have faith that people do their best. I don't know anyone who would eat with pigs out of a trough in muddy barnyard if he knew that a well-prepared meal was on the table in a clean house - do you? Greg Baer.
 
 
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