"Have faith that people do their best. I don't know anyone who would eat with pigs out of a trough in a muddy barnyard if he knew that a well-prepared meal was on the table in a clean house - do you?" Greg Baer

"The Secret in healing Narcissism is not to heal it at all, but to listen to it. Narcissism is a signal that the soul is not being loved sufficiently. The greater the Narcissism, the less love being given." ~ Thomas Moore, 'Care of the Soul'.

Q. Is it really possible to heal NPD?

A. Anything is possible. You do not have to be a negative statistic on a probablity curve of people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Heal NPD :: Family and Friends :: Co-Dependancy Who's Online | Stats | Memberlist | Chatroom | Search | Lost Password | Shout Box " ShoutMix chat widget Healing becomes possible when all parties in a relationship come to see each other as co-creators of the relationship rather then attacker, and victim.   Can't start a new thread. (Host Only) Can't start a new poll. (Host Only) Can't add a reply. (Host Only) Can't edit your posts.(Everyone Registered) Register :: Log In :: Steering Committee The time is now 17:43:19 Thu May 23 2013 Welcome, Register :: Log In   Friends of Narcissus active in this forum: Friends of Narcissus active in this thread: Beloved and cherished GUEST(s) of Narcissus 3 human beings online in the last 15 minutes - 0 Friend(s) of Narcissus, 0 covert NPDers and 3 Beloved and cherished GUEST(s) of Narcissus. (Most ever was 57 at 01:37:31 Fri Sep 11 2009) Pages: [ 1 2 3 ] Quick-JumpWelcomeHOPEOpen TopicAsk a NarcissistResourcesOpen Topic: Members OnlyRecovery Room IITender Emotions [ < ] [ > ] NarcissusBasher Offline 61 posts Mood Now: Post Mood: Reply Re: Co-Dependancy ( 23:12:32 WedJan 21 2004 ) Options Reply Quote Report To Mod Last Posts Ignore User Global Ignore Whisper Isn't it the case that girls are attracted to men like their fathers? Therefore a woman who has had an inadequate father figure will always pick abusive men. Mood: Mood Now: ( Vengeful ) Post Mood: ( Vengeful ) Balbrenny Offline 444 posts Mood Now: Post Mood: Reply Re: Co-Dependancy ( 02:58:25 FriJan 23 2004 ) Options Reply Quote Report To Mod Last Posts Ignore User Global Ignore Whisper Let me tell you a story. When white people first came to Australia, they found these furry little animals that looked like rats - they walked like rats, talked like rats and they acted like rats. The white people labelled them rats. Only they weren't rats. Rats are mammals. These little creatures are marsupials - not even closely related to rats. Just because something strongly resembles something else on a superficial level does not mean that it is that thing. And how much more complicated than that are the issues surrounding mental health? How many kids were first labelled ADHD when they were really autistic? If some members of the F/F on this board have been told by their counsellors that they do not have codependency, then why should they accept that label because people who have never met them or talked to them want to give them that label? Let me tell you another story. I dated this man a few times and, despite precautions, fell pregnant to him. He was wonderfully supportive and caring. We lost that baby but he had bought a house for us. We had two more children and he was a fantastic father - his sons adored him. Meanwhile, I had realised that there was another side to him. I discussed counselling with him - he always found excuses not to go. I wanted to leave him but he told me that if I did, he would take the kids and take me to Court and prove that I was an unfit mother on the grounds that I have a diagnosis of bipolar (although I have not been medicated for it since 1985). He said he would move away with the kids and I would never see them again. Logically I knew that he could not do this but I also knew that I could not afford a court battle and I was frightened that he might win - he is a person with a lot of powerful friends and he has a lot of money. I tried to leave more than once but he always threatened me with the unfit mother stuff. And in my work, I was aware of cases where, for political reasons, courts had made dreadful decisions on custody. Australia was in the middle of the 'Stolen Generation' debate and if a father (or mother) could show aboriginal descent, then they got custody, regardless of whether it was in the child's best interests or not. My ex's mother is possibly part-aboriginal. If he could prove that, I would lose. So, because I did not want to put my kids through the trauma of a custody battle and because I was frightened that he might win, I stayed. And having decided to stay, I focused on his good points and tried to make the best of it. So, if people on this board want to believe that that makes me codependent, then you are welcome to do so. I don't believe that it does and I do not believe that it helps in healing to accept a label that does not apply to your personal experience. Linda Mood: Mood Now: ( Optimistic ) Post Mood: ( Optimistic ) CoolBlonde Offline 827 posts Cyber Healing PhD Eat your heart out Pacific Western Mood Now: Post Mood: Reply Re: Co-Dependancy ( 03:02:03 FriJan 23 2004 ) Options Reply Quote Report To Mod Last Posts Ignore User Global Ignore Whisper Quote: NarcissusBasher at 23:12:32 Wed Jan 21 2004 Isn't it the case that girls are attracted to men like their fathers? Therefore a woman who has had an inadequate father figure will always pick abusive men. It is very common for both men and women to be attracted to a partner who is similar to one of their parents. That makes sense since you would feel most natural interacting with someone the same way your family interacted when you were growing up. Of course if your family interacted like lunatics, then it's highly unlikely that you would have any clue as to how to behave in a "normal" relationship. --- CoolBlonde     Mood: Mood Now: ( All_Business ) Post Mood: ( Grieving ) hestia Offline 423 posts Mood Now: Post Mood: Reply Re: Co-Dependancy ( 13:53:55 FriJan 23 2004 ) Options Reply Quote Report To Mod Last Posts Ignore User Global Ignore Whisper I was curious so I went to the Codependents Anonymous site Linda mentioned. I think may 25-30% of the characteristics fit me. But I'll talk to my therapist about it. I've got to say, I think the reason I like the co-dependency literature is it focuses so much on self-care and boundaries, areas where I am weak, and since my mom's dad was alcoholic, it seems to fit in some ways. Technically, I think the fact that my grandfather was alcoholic (and I think my paternal grandparents may have been too) make me "co-dependent". It seems to me that folks with NPD are very different than alcohoics in terms of the functioning scale-- folks with NPD tend to function better, I think-- so the issues don't emerge until later and can be very subtle for a long time. As for father figures, I'd agree that women are attracted to men who were like their fathers. But I don't agree that a woman with an inadequate father figure will "always" pick abusive men. If we're going to believe words like "always" and "never," seems to me this community might as well close up shop and go home, because if "always" or "never" are true for women who pick abusive men, they are also true for NPDers, people with NPD tendencies, and F/F. As long as there's hope for change and healing, there's no such thing as "always" or "never" for any of us. When I asked my therapist about my mental healthy in general, in terms of personality disorders and the like, she said that while it was too soon for a diagnosis per say, she didn't see any serious psychological problems at this point. When I asked how she could know so soon, she said by how quickly I got a safety plan together and got things together so I was ready to file for divorce at a moment's notice. I guess that's a sign I can take care of myself or something. Mood: Mood Now: ( Reading ) Post Mood: ( Reading ) jimmie Unavailable 571 posts Mood Now: Post Mood: Reply Re: Co-Dependancy ( 16:27:15 FriJan 23 2004 ) Options Reply Quote Report To Mod Last Posts Ignore User Global Ignore Whisper Interesting. There's a lot to take in here. On the surface I would agree with some points being made but stronly disagree with others. I do believe that spouses and others contribute to a relationship with NPD. That's not to say all people who enter a relationship with someone who is NPD are automatically co-dependent or Borderline. There is a lot of lit on this issue and seems to come down to blame. I don't believe that blaming anyone is apt to lead to healing. This is a lesson I'm still learning. God knows it has played itself out in our living room over the past few months. Is co-dependency real? I believe it is beyond a doubt. Just because it doesen't fit you doesn't mean its not a serious issue for people in relationships with NPDers or others. Sometimes if it looks like a rat it is a rat. Mood: Mood Now: ( Headphone_Heaven ) Post Mood: ( Upsidedown ) Balbrenny Offline 444 posts Mood Now: Post Mood: Reply Re: Co-Dependancy ( 11:02:36 SatJan 24 2004 ) Options Reply Quote Report To Mod Last Posts Ignore User Global Ignore Whisper Just to set the record straight, I do believe that codependency does exist and said so in my 2nd post in this thread. I also stated that my behaviour during the relationship contributed to the problems within the relationship. I agree with Jimmie that codependency is a serious problem for SOME people who are in relationships with people with NPD (and other disorders). It just seems to me that there are people on this board who want to apply the codependency label to ALL people who have been in relationships with people with NPD, regardless of whether the label fits them or not. And that has to be unhealthy. Mood: Mood Now: ( Optimistic ) Post Mood: ( Optimistic ) Pages: [ 1 2 3 ] Quick-JumpWelcomeHOPEOpen TopicAsk a NarcissistResourcesOpen Topic: Members OnlyRecovery Room IITender Emotions [ < ] [ > ] BbRing CORRTJ   Can't start a new thread. (Host Only) Can't start a new poll. (Host Only) Can't add a reply. (Host Only) Can't edit your posts.(Everyone Registered)Total Friends of Narcissus: 3951 Can't start a new thread. (Host Only) Can't start a new poll. (Host Only) Can't add a reply. (Host Only) Can't edit your posts.(Everyone Registered) Register :: Log In :: Steering Committee The time is now 17:43:19 Thu May 23 2013 Powered By BbBoard V1.4.2 © 2001-2007 BbBoy.net Community created 3.10.2003 The Healing Narcissism And Disorders of the Self Community is not affiliated in any way with any mental health professional or agency. The advice given is from personal experience and should never be used as a replacement for therapy from a qualified licensed professional. If you are having a real life emergency and live in the United States please call your doctor or 9-1-1.