Heal NPD :: Family and Friends :: Is it better to know if you have NPD.

Can't start a new thread. (Host Only)

Can't start a new poll. (Host Only)

Can't add a reply. (Host Only)

Can't edit your posts.(Everyone Registered)

Welcome, Register :: Log In
Friends of Narcissus active in this forum:
Friends of Narcissus active in this thread: Beloved and cherished GUEST(s) of Narcissus

2 human beings online in the last 15 minutes - 0 Friend(s) of Narcissus, 0 covert NPDers and 2 Beloved and cherished GUEST(s) of Narcissus. (Most ever was 57 at 01:37:31 Fri Sep 11 2009)

SFFL

Offline
22 posts

Re: Is it better to know if you have NPD. ( 13:44:49 SatJul 24 2004 )

Gailabelle, I truly appreciate your special thanks to me. I can empathize with you. It's nice to be able to connect and share in our feelings.

I sometimes have a notion to reach f/f and loved ones of those with "NPD" via email to discuss topics further. Is there a place for that here? I don't know.

Anyway, keep strong and good to yourself. Do what is best.

SFFL

Mood:

cymbele

Offline
14 posts

Mood Now:

Post Mood: Bruised

Re: Is it better to know if you have NPD. ( 18:32:30 MonAug 2 2004 )

Hi
I haven't been here for a while. I, too, have a hubby with NPD attributes and it really got bad last year. I couldn't say anything either to him. I wouldn't say I was a victim b/c I allowed his behavior and he was never absuvie but the relationship wasn't healthy. My therapist objected to the term of NPD but it truely explained his behavior and really, to a large extent, why I was behaving the way I was as a (i foget the term) supply I think.

Anyway, the good news is that he and I have learned to live together again. This board was good b/c I never cared for the victim type board but helped me to understand his thinking and allow me to vent safely. He still exhibits NPD traits but (1) I understand his reactions better and can prepare myself better and (2) he tries to change even if he can't (I swear it's a can't - not won't).

WE put back on the wedding rings but I'm not sure it's forever. Maybe it is. But because of this board, I am better able to make him feel better.

YOU ARE ALL WONDERFUL. This is prob my last post for ahile. Good luck to all. :ahappyN:

Mood:

Mood Now:

( Bruised ) Post Mood: Bruised

( Bruised )

gailabelle

Offline
223 posts

Mood Now:

Re: Is it better to know if you have NPD. ( 03:26:47 FriAug 13 2004 )

Thanks everyone again for your replies. I must admit I am surprised to see this thread still alive. I had pretty much decided it might be best to just let it drop of the page and therefore I refrained from posting (until now). We will never resolve things we can not even talk about and this site gives ALL of us the the opportunity to participate in meaningful conversation. I think a lot about the interesting, insightful, things that others choose to share.
1st, to TC, I'd like to say I have read a lot of your posts, replies, and information, and I really appreciate your efforts and your methods for promoting healing as a first priority. You are doing a great job! Thanks!
2nd to deckhandsdaughter don't worry about me as TC so eloquently puts it, "I am not about to enter the abyss and attempt a rescue". My husband will have to deal with his issues himself. Healing myself is my objective, understanding my husband better is one path for me on that journey.
To cymbele, congratulations and best wishes I hope it works out well for you and your husband. I tried everything imaginable to work it out with mine but unfortunately I know longer even want to try. I agree with deckhandsdaughter that it may not be a "can't" and instead may be just a "not yet" for your husband. I sure hope so.
To SFFL I appreciated your comments because you also seemed to see the irony in the conversation. . You expressed it with a very interesting approach full of good advice for all of us to keep in mind. Somewhere out here I read about some features and options for private chatting and stuff like that maybe we could check those out.
I envision my personal experience like being in a pit, a tornado, spiraling around and around while I desperately try to climb to the top and out. The abuse I experience repeatedly knocks back down into that spinning pit. Now, I pretty much walk around on or near the top sort of circling the pit and only occasionally falling back in and always trying to cling to the top ledge when I do. I think when I asked for the answer and was ready to receive it some divine intervention lead me to learn about PDs, and the knowledge definitely helps me deal with my husbands behavior and gives me a leg up from my pit. Sometimes I think all pained souls are spinning around like me in the tornado pit, reaching for the healing at the top. I think we can sometimes reach in and inspire or grab someone close to us but we can only really save ourselves and then only if we really want too. I still don't know if it would be better for my husband to know or not, I am very confused about that, but I am extremely grateful for the knowledge I've obtained, it is definately been healing for me.
Thanks again everyone.

Mood:

Mood Now:

( Excited )

speerflaura

Offline
262 posts

Mood Now:

Post Mood:

Re: Is it better to know if you have NPD. ( 20:39:44 FriAug 13 2004 )

I have had many interesting conversations with my N about his fascinating self. I have taken the position that he does not feel his feelings, and he has moved (it took him months to do it) from the stated position that he has no emotions to the position that he has only good emotions - love, mainly - and as for anger, well he experiences only an instantaneous flash of recognition of his anger, and then immediately controls it, because experience has taught him that it does no good, etc. etc. I do not believe this. I still don't think he feels his feelings, but I wonder if I am depressing him with my insistence. (He seems more depressed nowadays, but then he is aging, and out of work most of the time.) I would not mind depressing him if I thought it would cause him to face up to his feelings, but then I don't know if anything would. No sense adding to his pain for no purpose.

I have never pronounced him a narcissist, and this is an interesting thread to me too.

Mood:

Mood Now:

( Creative ) Post Mood:

( Optimistic )

laineyblainey

Offline
23 posts

Re: Is it better to know if you have NPD. ( 21:01:36 MonAug 16 2004 )

Quote: null

When my husband knows (because I told him and he seemingly acknowledged understanding or faked it and then verbally committed to not doing it again-promised) and then he does it again anyway it is more hurtful because it seems to be intentional. It seems he did not care about me, my feelings, our marriage, his own well being, or anything. It just don't make sense like a deteiorating brain infection would

This is one of the most frustrating and puzzling aspects I have observed. For me, emotions are such an intrinsic part of being, as natural as breathing, as available as the air we inhale. It makes �lack of empathy� a difficult concept to grasp--at least as applies to repetitious events.

Even as I experience its effects, and do not doubt the existence of this condition, what escapes me is this: Someone I care for is a person of above-average intelligence, who has no trouble knowing when he has been offended, and who himself can be offended quite easily. Yet this same person, having been told many times over that a particular action or behavior is inconsiderate, inappropriate, and generally detrimental to the relationship, and having been asked numerous times either to not repeat it, or to change to a specific acceptable form of action, continues to do the exact same thing as before.

Even if he is not able to understand empathetically the hurt or annoyance or anger his actions inspire, it does seems that, if he desires to maintain the relationship (and I believe he does), he is certainly capable of understanding intellectually the benefits of complying with a request to refrain from certain things, or to do things in a way that is generally considered socially acceptable.

Is this an unreasonable expectation to have of a highly intelligent person? Or perhaps it has nothing to do with intellect?

I have read in this community of behaviors that can be considered a "cry for help." Is this one of them?

I too am seeking enlightment here because there must be a better way to break down this wall than by continually butting one's head against it.

Mood:

Mlashtok

Offline
896 posts

Mood Now:

Post Mood: Tired

Re: Is it better to know if you have NPD. ( 02:56:02 TueAug 17 2004 )

Lainey,

The intellect totally doesn't cut it in situations like this. I'm very smart intellectually, and I used to abuse someone in a relationship incessantly just like your person, despite their urging and urging me to stop, but it just didn't get through to me. Emotionally I was not ready, and when the pain did get through to me some time later I became severely depressed and suicidal. After this emotional experience I changed my ways and finally stopped the abuse... I FELT that I just couldn't continue to be cruel anymore. And the person I stopped abusing, a family member of mine, is doing better because I stopped. So if someone's going to change their behavior, it has to come through an emotional change within that person, whether a painful development or a catharsis.

Matt

---
You know, of course, where this other world lies hidden. It is the world of your own soul that you seek. Only within yourself exists that other reality for which you long. I can give you nothing that has not already its being within yourself... All I can give you is the impulse, the key. I can help you to make your own world visible. That is all.
- Herman Hesse, Steppenwolf

Mood:

Mood Now:

( Microscopic ) Post Mood: Tired

( Tired )

CoolBlonde

Offline
827 posts

Cyber Healing PhD
Eat your heart out
Pacific Western

Mood Now:
Post Mood:

Reply

Re: Is it better to know if you have NPD. ( 04:22:42 TueAug 17 2004 )

I agree with Matt that intellect and logic fly out the window when we become very emotional, since then all we know of is survival and defending ourselves. Later of course we regret flying off the handle, but by that time, it's too late to take it back, so the intense shame and self hatred kicks in, and then we are too busy fighting with ourselves to make any really constructive efforts to repair the relationship, and so on.... It's just an endless cycle.

---
CoolBlonde

Mood:

Mood Now:

( All_Business ) Post Mood: Fearful

( Fearful )

TcBrown

Offline
2954 posts

Cyber Healing PhD
Eat your heart out
Pacific Western

Mood Now:
Post Mood:

Reply

Re: Is it better to know if you have NPD. ( 16:21:53 TueAug 17 2004 )

Lainey, I'm basically affirming what has been offered by others on the points you raise, but here it goes. People with NPD are very often well above average. I have a high IQ but my emotional IQ, even though it has improved dramatically in recent years, is still no where near where it probably should be. (Time out for an advertisement from Gerald G. Jampolsky and the good folks at Attitudinal Healing: This is an example of the ego judging itself and it works against the principles of healing and integrating the soul and ego. Thank you and now back to the message from our member).

A person with NPD does not view the world or in specific instance does not view a relationship in the same paradigm that you are describing. A person with this disorder is in emotional arrest which has left them needing to meet their primitive needs. A child does not have the ability to think through the causes and effects of everything there behavior may bring about and to a large degree you are dealing with the deep, primitive, often frozen emotions that are similiar in nature to those of a child.

A person with NPD is first and foremost looking out for themselves. They are not there to see how their behavior is effecting others. If they do allow themselves to see some of that they will most always avoid those feelings or act out in a way that prevents them from having to directly face intense pain.

---
You do not need to be loved, not at the cost of yourself. The single relationship that is truly central and crucial in a life is the relationship to the self . .. Of all the people you will know in a lifetime , you are the only one you will never lose.

~ Jo Courdt

Mood:

Mood Now:

( Bruised ) Post Mood: Anxious

( Anxious )

melaniemac

Offline
627 posts
Host
Human

Mood Now: Peaceful

Post Mood: Joyful

Re: Is it better to know if you have NPD. ( 16:47:18 TueAug 17 2004 )

One of my biggest problems with my ex is that he would go out of town weekend after weekend. I would ask him where he was planning on staying. He was never where he said he was going to be. I bought him a new cell phone so that at least I could reach him somehow. Again, it was never on or it just rang and rang.

Every weekend we would have the same discussion how if I could just get a hold of him it would alleviate the issues of trust that I had. He would promise not to do it again. To let me know where he was going to be. I even told him, call me if it three o'clock in the morning and you can't get to where you said you were going, I don't care.

Well, that behaviour never changed and eventually just got worse and worse. That is only one example. There were other things like that he would do, even though he I had told him several times how upsetting that particular behaviour or action was to me.

And yes, I believe he is a very intelligent guy also. Don't know his IQ, but I lived with him for seven years and have a pretty good idea as to his intelligence level. He never thought he was though.

Just my two cents.

Take care of yourself. Do what you need to do for you. The wall won't come down until your friend is ready for it to come down.

Mel

Mood:

Mood Now:

( Peaceful ) Post Mood: Joyful

( Joyful )

melaniemac

Offline
627 posts
Host
Human

Mood Now: Peaceful

Post Mood: Joyful

Re: Is it better to know if you have NPD. ( 17:07:34 WedAug 18 2004 )

I guess my whole point is that yes, it is common courtesy, but more importantly, with two small children, how would I reach him if something awful had happened? His response was "what could I do about it?". Well, I thought that was part of being the second half of a parenting team. You deal with stuff TOGETHER. Isn't that the whole point of getting married? Yes, everyone needs time to themselves. I never argued that but why can't I know where you are? What are you hiding? And as it turned out, sure enough, he was hiding A LOT! I'm not implying you are. That's just my scenario. He always assumed it was because I was trying to control him. And he probably did have a valid point to a degree.

In our case I just got really sick of being left at home with two toddlers all the time (they were 15 1/2 months apart!) while he was in the bar every weekend playing in his rock band and then doing whatever the hell he wanted for the rest of the time. And I never knew what that was, who he was with or where he was.

My idea of marraige is a partnership, we are equals. A team. I wouldn't tell a friend I was going to be there at 7 and not show up until 10 without at least a simple phone call letting them know I just couldn't make it on time. That is just not acceptable. Why would I take advantage of my partner like that?

OK, I think I'm rambling and obviously still have some strong feelings attached to this issue.

Thanks,

Mel

Mood:

Mood Now:

( Peaceful ) Post Mood: Joyful

( Joyful )

Can't start a new thread. (Host Only)

Can't start a new poll. (Host Only)

Can't add a reply. (Host Only)

Can't edit your posts.(Everyone Registered)Total Friends of Narcissus: 3951

Can't start a new thread. (Host Only)

Can't start a new poll. (Host Only)

Can't add a reply. (Host Only)

Can't edit your posts.(Everyone Registered)