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5 human beings online in the last 15 minutes - 0 Friend(s) of Narcissus, 0 covert NPDers and 5 Beloved and cherished GUEST(s) of Narcissus. (Most ever was 57 at 01:37:31 Fri Sep 11 2009)

wtg4u

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"I Love You" ( 23:13:27 ThuMar 10 2005 )

I was going with a guy for about 6 months who may have "some" characteristics of NPD. We broke up about 1.5 months ago as I was not pleased with his treatment of me (emotionally abusive at times and was unwilling to examine his behaviour). We were apart for about 5 weeks. During that time, he did some work on himself in a group for men, examining issues of anger. We have since reunited and our relationship seems to be going well. I have noticed a considerable improvement in how he reacts to situations and to my words. I truly admire his apparent ability to integrate what he is learning into his character. He is much easier to deal with now and not hurtful like he was. I have loved him for many months now, and still have much love for this man (which I am sure he knows).

However, one thing still bothers me and has for a long time. He has NEVER told me how he feels about me. I told him that I know how he feels about just about everyone in his life, except for me! I asked him recently how he felt, and he told me that I need to stop looking to him for the words I want to hear, get over it and and to look within myself. He tells me that it's my own issue, and that I need to examine what it's about, and he would not be helpful if he were to say anything else to me but that.

I tell him it's a normal expectation to want to hear something positive (feelings) from someone one is in a relationship with, but he does not seem to want to express any positive feelings towards me. He has also told me to look at the big picture and that he comes to see me, spends time with me and talks with me...and that he does not look to me or anyone else to hear how anyone feels about him.

I am confused about this. I don't know how to interpret this conduct. I begin to question if he really does care for me. I know he told my friend several months ago he was "crazy" about me. But I have never heard anything like that from him. I really don't know what to think and wonder if I will ever hear the words, "I Love You"????? I would appreciate any feedback you can offer.

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gailabelle

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Re: "I Love You" ( 01:22:45 FriMar 11 2005 )

My h used to say things like "of course I love you... I married you didn't I", when I'd ask him this question or express my needs for love and affection from him.
Always perfunctory and without emotion. That was about as close as I got to actually hearing the words.
After 20 years of living with him and observing his behaviors etc... I have come to the conclusion that he is pretty devoid of all emotion except fear and anger perhaps. I really do not think that my h as a clue as to what love is, what it feels like, and / or what is that he / we are missing.
Intellectually he seems to understand but not emotionally. To me, love, is not a "thinking thing", it is a intense good "feeling thing" and frankly it does not appear to me that my h feels it. And even if he said it now, I would not believe him because he lies about seemedly everything IMO.
Only your boyfriend knows for sure what he is thinking or feeling. He probably feels as much or more for you as he is capable of feeling at this time. That may or may not be enough for you feel loved.
I seem to remember that there were some good threads in the Additutional Healing Forum discussing the importance of being able to both give and receive love. Perhaps you might gain some insight there if you have not already read that forum.

:batman:

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CardiacThump

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Re: "I Love You" ( 04:16:37 FriMar 11 2005 )

I like Belle's sugestion of love being a "feeling thing", but I do know that's it's not just NPD which can keep people from easily expressing such a lovely combination of 3 words. I think it's much harder for men in general to say the words "I Love You". It can seem so huge and imply so much sometimes that they can be afraid to say it. I do think a man often desires to say it when the time is right, and to press him to say it can backfire.
Even more distrubing to me, however, is a person who seems to over-use the term to the point that it seems to have lost it's deeper sense and spiritual effect.
Maybe rather than cornering him with the accusation (truthful as it may be) that he doesn't express positive thoughts about you.. maybe he's wanting to, but that door hasn't opened.
It could be that he needs to "volunteer" that information instead of being held hostage for it. Know what I mean?
A lot of it may also come from his own background, and he may have come from a place where those special and lovely things were not often stated... if ever. I know of this from personal experience. That's where I come from.
But I can assure you I can say those things, do say those things, and want to say those things ...and it isn't always easy. Yet when they are expressed, they are as real, pure, heartfelt and honest as it gets.
While some of this may carry some narcissistic undertones, or issues regarding fear of intimacy ( I really can't determine that)... a lot of it could be a Mars/Venus thing too. He needs to *want* to visit your planet. He's gotta feel comfortable, and sure.

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-gene

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TcBrown

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Re: "I Love You" ( 04:44:35 FriMar 11 2005 )

Quote:

He has also told me to look at the big picture and that he comes to see me, spends time with me and talks with me...and that he does not look to me or anyone else to hear how anyone feels about him.

For me, I would find nothing beneficial in a person telling me they love me if there only reason for saying it is because they believe another person wants them to say it. From your earlier posts you suggest this person has told you in advance that he might have Narcissistic or psychopathic traits. Yet, I hear you wanting this relationship to be very special and for him to express feelings which if what he suggests about himself are true then its unlikely he can feel these feelings at an authentic level.

I believe its important to look at what is happening, he's saying look at his actions in terms of what he has to offer at this time in his development. There are many ways of saying I love you without putting it into those three words. I believe the more time you spend wanting this person to be someone he is not the less likely you'll be of sharing a rewarding relationship. In attitudinal healing we talk about throwing away scripts of how we feel another should be and accept them for who they are. I believe this is your best hope of discovering a meaningful bond in this or any other relationship.

---
Instead of quoting the Budda, be the Budda, be "the awakened one," which is what the word budda means.

Eckhart Tolle, "The Power of Now"

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wtg4u

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Re: "I Love You" ( 01:05:01 SatMar 12 2005 )

Thank you for your responses...they were so helpful! They made me realize how warped my thinking was. In reality, he must care or he wouldn't be wasting his time with me. It seems that I am a priority in terms of who he wants to spend his time with.

I must lower my expectations and admit I need to work on this daily (too many years of conditioning). I must be thankful daily for the small things he is able to contribute to the relationship (even though they may not be according to the standards I have been so used to).

It's interesting that I have no expectations of my friends and do appreciate them, and yet, hold him to a hire standard which really is not reasonable to either one of us. Also, I must point out that I certainly would not want to hear the words based solely on the fact that this is what he knows I want to hear. Maybe one day I will hear the words, but I need to be satisfied that that time may never come but that if it does, it will be straight from the heart. Thank you again everyone!

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Re: "I Love You" ( 01:52:48 SatMar 12 2005 )

wtg,
I also would like to suggest that it's perfectly okay for you to let him know of your feelings regarding this issue, and you shouldn't "lower" any expectations, but maybe adjust them a little. If you come from a background where all the heavier verbage came easy, you may be expecting the same from him.
I think it would be a good topic for the two of you to discuss in the way of comparing backgrounds, comparing each other to each other, without any accusations... but only to explore each other and hopefully realize that wonderful thing called understanding.
So, I think if you can bring this topic about sometime in a completely unthreatening manner... it could lead to something nice.
For some reason my mind has drifted to my Woodstock video, and a scene within it where a hippie girl is plucking the petals from a daisy reciting the infamous "He loves me--he loves me not.." routine. It's really not that simple to assess, though I suppose we all wish it were sometimes.

We really don't know all that much about your relationship...only what you've offered... so I wish you well, and hope for the best. :biggrin:

-gene

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jimmie

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Re: "I Love You" ( 17:33:53 SatMar 12 2005 )

From my understanding of where Attitudinal Healing is coming from one of the big problems people face in relationships revolves around expectations we have of others. It sounds to me as though wtg4u is on a healthy path in terms of seeing that she shouldn't have expectations in some relationships and not in others.

Wishing you the best in your relationship

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