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Healing becomes possible when all parties in a relationship come to see each other as co-creators of the relationship rather then attacker, and victim.
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The time is now 16:06:55 Mon May 20 2013
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7 human beings online in the last 15 minutes - 0 Friend(s) of Narcissus, 0 covert NPDers and 7 Beloved and cherished GUEST(s) of Narcissus. (Most ever was 57 at 01:37:31 Fri Sep 11 2009)
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soulpurge
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I only wanted to help ( 19:06:41 FriMar 18 2005 ) | |
My friend has informed me that he no longer wants to see or hear from me because he discovered that I have sought feedback from this and other online resources about his NPD. He raged at me and said that he feels betrayed that I would "tell the whole world" our problems. Its not as though I tried to keep it a secret that I visit these online places. I'm pretty sure he never would have found out unless I volunteered the information. In fact I told him about it quite some time ago and he shrugged it aside as though he didn't care. So why the tantrum and threats to go away and leave me to suffer in my own misery?
I don't feel as though I've betrayed his trust by asking others for input on ways I might be able to help him and find support for myself. He evidently feels much differently, if this is what really has him upset. I say if because I've come to expect him to get upset about things which are a distraction from the real source of anger or pain. I've gone back and viewed my messages here and I don't see anything that identifies him or what I feel would risk being embarassing. So once again I have to ask why create such a commotion over someone trying to help?
Right now I feel a little betrayed because I've spent so much of time time and emotional energy in an effort to support his growing stronger. I'm angry that being a friend to him is reason to say its all over and he never wants to see or here from me again. I'm frustrated that everytime he appears to be making progress we go through some form of dramatics.
Despite all of this I still care for him and want him to get better. I don't know if I could ever allow myself to be as romantically attached to him as I once desired, but I cannot rule it out. I'd be lying to say I feel nothing for him in my heart. Where do I draw the line? Do I say okay this is the final straw, or do I brace myself for whatever might come next?
I wish there was a way to show my friend and others that other people truly care for them even if they don't care about themselves. Its a very sad time for me. I regret where I am at and don't know which road to follow to make the most of my life.
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CardiacThump
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Re: I only wanted to help ( 21:08:53 FriMar 18 2005 ) | |
Hi Purge,
As you may have already realized, his response to your seeking of information was rather irrational in the respect that he feels as though his personal laundry has been broadcasted to the world. Obviously, we have no clue who you are, let alone him.
I think you may benefit by reading the recent thread titled "I need help form f&f-s & NPDers alike" (something like that), as you seem to be experiencing a bit of shut-out and defiance which results in the same suggestions...
Best to take care of yourself, make peace with yourself in knowing you've tried and tried to understand and make the best of it.
It may take him a while to grasp the fact you truly cared, and he may never see it that way. He may see it as a breach of trust and never trust you again.
By all means, it was not a breach of trust, so don't think I'm saying it was.
It's a very irrational fear which he is responding from, but I'm sure he doesn't see it that way.
I really do understand the frustration of being told to never contact that person again. I was told the same thing. It's really a massive blow, because you feel if they only knew how much you cared it would make a difference. I know in my case my social life pretty much had come to involve the person I was dealing with in a big way. She'd kinda become the center of it, to a degree. So, yes... it's tough to know where to go, what to do.. but you gotta slowly change course, away from that person, until that person becomes comfortable with you again...if ever.
I'm not sure what level of romance you did or didn't reach, but I can only assume you've been shot to the moon and ricocheted into the fires of mysterious hell-trappings many times.
In my case, I was dealing with a friend... a married friend... yet I would be lying to say I was quite attracted to her, though I felt perfectly capable of leaving that fact alone. But she used it and used it well, I must say. I honestly cannot say I've ever, in my life, experienced a friendship which persistantly carried with it the alarming essence and fears resembling a tortured marriage on the brink of divorce..but that's the way it became.
It's very disturbing, and seemingly so unnecessary...but most of all I was sucked completely into an obsession towards trying to figure out what was really happening.
Well..time has passed. I may have found the answers and I may have not. I may one day realize a time when she's willing to communicate again, and I may not.
But I sure tried. Just like you do for him, I care about her and think it's all a horrible shame. It's effected far more than just the two of us, as it's felt by every one of our mutual friends.
I'm completely willing to discuss it all, apologize for anything I've done, and have extended such, including my own forgiveness. I've done all I possibly can (that I know of), and there is nothing in my heart for her but the best of wishes.
I am at peace with myself on this, and I think it's a place you'll need to find.
I wish you the best of luck in getting there. Use the lessons here to help you find that peace.
-gene
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soulpurge
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Re: I only wanted to help ( 18:18:38 SatMar 19 2005 ) | |
I've given up trying to figure out what is rational. All I know is that I seem to be losing sleep, have chronic headaches, usually feel tense over a relationship which appears to me to have little meaning to my friend. I feel sad. I'm willing to listen to his concerns but right now he won't give me the time of day. I don't know if this is the window of opportunity I've sought to make a clean break and move forward, or just what I want for myself. As you can tell I'm frustrated and swaying back in forth on the pendulum in terms of where I go from here.
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CardiacThump
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Re: I only wanted to help ( 21:21:03 SatMar 19 2005 ) | |
Taran,
In answer to your question, I guess if I consider a fear to be irrational, then I'm the one who stakes claim to being the person who is to say it's an irrational fear. I don't really feel like I'm casting judgement in a huge way, rather to be stating something which seems obvious to me, from my point of view and understanding.
I may be right and I may be wrong, but most people don't use their real names on these sites, nor do they identify their significant others. When was the last time you saw something like this:
"Hi,my name is Rajan Estevez, residing in a small community called Boreville, New Mexico (population 150) and I'd like to discuss my girlfriend Betty Obvious. In fact she has a website called BettyinBoreville.com, in case you need to see a pic of her"
And as far as Purge is concerned, don't you feel as though she's spent the time already trying to understand how he feels?
Hasn't she made that clear already? Both to us and him?
So, who is really being dismissed here.. her or him?
She is.
She is being dismissed by him...for whatever the reasons may be. And unless you can provide her with the magic bullet of understanding which will supply her with the exact proper way to contact him, then you are providing her with nothing, really.
All I know is that I can fully relate to Purge's frustration, sadness, loss, anguish, confusion, and paralysis.
She already has fully expressed her desire to understand him better, she already has discussed how much she cares.
She's being shut-out, without the option to contact. There are people here who have performed such "shutting-out", and others who have experienced it. It may be NPD related and it may be something else entirely in this case... but I do know that the most important thing is for her to take care of herself first, to respect herself, and to be at peace with herself.
If he has indeed employed his defense mechanisms against her, the only person who can change that is him. Right?
Her understanding his narcissistic defense structures won't make them disappear, will they? Only time will. Maybe.
Until that day comes it's my heartfelt opinion she needs to let go of it a little while retaining the caring and loving concern she has for him and also finding a restored value to herself and her life.
-gene
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CardiacThump
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Re: I only wanted to help ( 02:09:27 WedMar 23 2005 ) | |
I always find it interesting here to see certain aspects of certain posts extracted, modified and amplified to fit one's own definition, purpose and inclinations.
In no way do I think S-P should dismiss the feelings of her male friend/companion.
What I'm saying is that it's unhealthy to dwell on the unknown. And until he makes something known... (beyond his dismissal of her)... then there's not much for her to go by, and there's not a lot she can do.
That IS the biting, hard, cold and fast reality that none of your speculation here can ever change.
As long as she is carrying concerned thoughts of him, caring thoughts of him, and loving thoughts of him... I think she owes it to herself to allow those same considerations towards herself.
She needs, IMO, to sleep better..she needs to worry less... and allow herself some latitude for pleasures in life beyond the mysteries of that particular fella.
I don't think any of this paints a picture of her abandoning him, dicarding his feelings, or any such thing.
I've spent months in a similar shut-out from a similar friend...and I've come to understand a whole lot about me, the way I reacted to certain behaviors of hers (which made it all worse), as well as understanding her behaviors.
In privately discussing my issue with Tc, he theorized that a certain incident I shared with him suggested that I may have "touched her pain"...ie... I got close to the source of the fear inside and she had to shut me out. I understand it's very possibly because she's overwhelmed by it and cannot allow herself to go there... etc. I became percieved as a threat at that point.
So..it *does* matter that I've taken the time to try to understand it all, because it has allowed my heart to remain unhostile, caring, concerned and even loving towards her.
But what it doesn't change is the shut-out. What it doesn't change is what's going on inside of her. That is something which I seemingly cannot change, regardless of my efforts, thus I think it's best to not dwell on it for extended periods.. rather to achive a peaceful place in your mind towards that person, and even with yourself.
That way, should you find yourself in that person's presence again, you will likely be a stronger self and more able to properly understand and accept whatever comes about.
And if we are to truly discuss NPD, and not allow the concept of an "irrational fear" to be shared... then ya'll better hang up your coats and forget about it, because it's root of everything.
The bottom line is this:
Soulpurge is asking for advice folks, so how would you advise her?
-gene
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