Heal NPD :: Family and Friends :: Update/again seeking wisdom from f/f's and NPD'rs..:)

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talia49

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Update/again seeking wisdom from f/f's and NPD'rs..:) ( 20:31:31 ThuMar 31 2005 )

Several weeks ago I sought help because I had been contacted after 7 months from the person I had been involved with. The contact came via e-mail, much like he has done in the past. No references to what transpired between the two of us. Like nothing had happened.

I did respond with great thought put into my letter,taking into consideration the feedback I got from this forum. I addressed my feelings and I also addressed our history together and my thoughts on the behavior pattterns. Addressing some "defenses" and my understanding of the defenses. It was non judgemental and I explained why I could not respond as I always have in the past., which was to take up right where we left off.

I heard nothing for almost 2 weeks and I sent another letter explaining that I had been respectful of him by responding to his e-mail and that I would like to be treated with respect, respect being acknowledgement of my letter, at the very least.

I got a response the following day. He did not address anything I wrote with the exception that he thought my assessments were for the most part incorrect. And that my letter was written for me and not for him.

I wrote back and explained that I would very much like to hear his perspective and that my mind is open.

Today, 8 days later, I have received another e-mail, expressing a desire to see me again,including his new phone number. E-mail included asking me if I saw a recent movie. There were no references to the content of our recent e-mail exchanges.

So here's the deal,forum friends. I cannot repeat history and will not. Attempting a relationship is too detrimental to me. I know this. I cannot just go back and pretend anymore, I have grown too much and I have knowledge enough to know that he is not on a healing journey for himself.

I am conflicted. I would like to continue having contact,but in the context of a different type of relationship. Human being to human being, friends if you will. While I still love him, I have learned that I need to love myself also, and that,emotionally, I cannot go down the same road again with him. Spiritually, I would like to remain a stable force, a presence in his life.

I ask myself 'for what purpose?". This is where the conflict enters. A lot fo people would suggest that I have nothing to do with him. And in some respects, I agree. I am questioning my motivations. I need help in sorting this out.

Am I doing this for him? Or for me? And why? What course of action is best for both of us? What is best for me?

I do not know the answers.

I do think for the moment.,that I only comminicate with him on the level that he has communicated to me. Which is very superficial and casual.

thanks again,
talia

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talia49

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Re: Update/again seeking wisdom from f/f's and NPD'rs..:) ( 21:57:07 ThuMar 31 2005 )

Hi DHD,

Thank-you for responding :smile:

Good questions!

Can I be a casual friend? Yes, as long as he understands that is all I can be.

Is his conversation good? Yes, I have always enjoyed our conversations.

Would I choose him as a friend? I could now, but I think it's important for me to have "no expectations" of the same kind of reciprocity that I have from other friends.

Is his company good? I've always enjoyed his company. I must interject here, that we live states apart. Our relationship has always been long distance, so our actual time together has always been limited. We've been involved for 6 years. I got involved because my occupation allows me travel and the ability to relocate.

Do I want to try this? Yes...but I have reservations?

Can I imagine it being something positive? Yes.

What does my "gut" tell me? That I have lots of fear. Which is why I think I am asking for help???

thanks,
talia

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diana_of_the_moon

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Re: Update/again seeking wisdom from f/f's and NPD'rs..:) ( 12:31:34 FriApr 1 2005 )

Hi talia49.

I'm kind of embarassed to say that my first impulse as I read your posts was to feel a little bit jealous, because there are people I wish that I would hear from again, and it doesnt seem to be happening. But as you said, a situation like this presents some difficulties and things to think about. So, I empathize with all the confusing emotions.
There were times when a friend of mine would come back and say some nice things, and I was very eager to start talking again. But I couldn't understand why he'd apologize for certain behavior, acknowledging that it was probably hurtful, and then go through the same pattern, at an accelerated speed. I'd try reacting different ways, but they all ended up with the same result; him disappearing. Things like that made me feel like that's where some of the ideas like "narcissistic supply" came from, because I felt like I had provided him with a small amount of amusement then quickly worn out my welcome. I know there is more to it than that though, and I don't give credence to the distorted ideas about supply and other things online. I'm just saying how on the surface it's easy to let yourself feel kind of used, and have difficulty accepting a relationship that isn't as deep and trusting as you wish it could be.
Anyway, it sounds like you have a lot of concern for your friend, and also respect for yourself and your own well-being. It's nice that your friend responded to you when you asked that he at least acknowlegde the email. he's not really directly addressing the things you've brought up, but I think you've let him know that you are open and a good listening ear. I don't think he's wrong for not being ready to get into some of the deeper issues with you. But I think it's good for you to keep both eyes open, and not go in with unrealistic expectations for him or yourself.
I know we are supposed to work toward unconditional love. I'm not sure if I can unconditionally trust people who have not kept their word with me. I don't want to become a cynical persn, but sometimes I have to learn to take certain promises with a grain of salt or it feels like I'm setting myself up for more pain.
I'm sorry. I hope this hasn't come off really negative. I know I have a lot of fears of my own that color my view. I think you have to play each situation by ear. It sounds like you are a good communicator, but, as you know, it's out of your control how he chooses to respond.

best wishes. : )

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TcBrown

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Re: Update/again seeking wisdom from f/f's and NPD'rs..:) ( 16:47:10 FriApr 1 2005 )

I actually hope he's right that you did write this for yourself and not with the intention of changing him. Lesson 10 in AH talks about how a person feels very guilty for having a desire for another to be something other than who they are. We can be supportive of another's healing process, but we cannot and honestly should not attempt to make them something other than who they are deep in their hearts.

Its not surprising to me that he would be very dismissive of your assessment of him or your relationship. From what you've shared he has not come to you looking for a way to change his life, rather he's looking for someone to accept him, good and bad, for who he is. I don't think this is an unreasonable request. Now, it may be more than you are prepared to give, and this is something you'll have to answer within yourself. Its okay not to want to re-enter a relationship the way it was, but if you try and change him to meet your needs you are setting both of you up for a lot of pain that could be avoided.

The questions deckshand asked are a good check for you determining how much you can give of yourself in this relationship. Since you have the distance between you there is a ready make boundry for you to determine how much, if at all, you want to be involved with your friend. Perhaps, in time, if you enter a friendship with no expectations, your friend will evolve to a place where he is ready and willing to work on his own healing. That would be both an exciting and a somewhat challenging time for you in a whole other way. Healing is rewarding, but as we've discussed here it is rarely easy either for the person doing the actual healing or for those around them.

Good luck

Tony

---
Instead of quoting the Budda, be the Budda, be "the awakened one," which is what the word budda means.

Eckhart Tolle, "The Power of Now"

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speerflaura

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Re: Update/again seeking wisdom from f/f's and NPD'rs..:) ( 13:30:18 SatApr 2 2005 )

Am I correct that your relationship was a romantic one? And you were disapppointed? If you resumed a relationship with him - of some kind - would your romantic feelings go away, and you would enjoy conversations, etc. again?

Imagine yourself in a new relationship with a loving, appreciative man? How much would you want to devote to your friend then?

If it doesn't seem you'd have much left over for him, I would assume that your romantic feelings for the man are still in there somewhere, and as you've already learned, things haven't worked out for you two in that way. They probably aren't likely to this time either. I would beware the return engagement.

If, on the other hand, you would find him fun to have lunch with occasionally while being romantically involved with another man, go for it.

Be honest with yourself.

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talia49

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Re: Update/again seeking wisdom from f/f's and NPD'rs..:) ( 04:52:59 TueApr 5 2005 )

Thank-you all.

I've been given much to think about. I've been introspective and have concluded I still have emotions that need healing and further contemplation.

Honesty. I'd like to always come from a place of being emotionally honest. I have fear of being emotionally honest with him. Need to think about that more.

Following my heart has not been the best thing to with regards to this relationship, so I do need to listen to my head as well.

Dang, I wish it could be easier...

TY all...my best
talia

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