Heal NPD :: Family and Friends :: 180 degree change in direction

Quote: TcBrown at 11:06:26 Thu Apr 7 2005

Quote: Belle

Just a friendly observation....
In some of your more recent posts It seems to me as though you are now aware of ways you did this in your own marriage.

I'm very curious as to the intention of your "friendly observation," to weiss. Are you looking to create a communication based on joining? Perhaps weissy will view this differently, but I struggle to see how this will lead to joining.

Quote: Belle

I'm not missing my contribution per se.
However, whether or not I contribute my h still creates chaos all around me. My point is some perceive conflict even where none exists except in their own mind.

Be this as it may, but the message of ah is that we can be peaceful despite the chaos in the outworld, regardless of who or what is causing it. With this outlook I believe you are still playing the game of passing blame to outside sources and as such the chaos is being empowered.

Quote: Belle

What I do or don't do, nor no matter how I respond, lovingly or ragingly, it does not change this behavior.

The chaos is still around me even when I am peaceful about it inside. I do not have to contribute in order for it to exist in him and to be spewed out of him all around me.

I can recognize the cry for help and see the pain but I can not fix it. I can not ease it or change it or whatever.

I call attention to the AH lesson we discussed not long ago in that there is no enemy except the conflict within our own mind. Your husband or others may well continue to engage in chaos, and no you cannot "fix it," but you can choose how your respond, and you can choose to be peaceful in the face of chaos. Its not designed to be a magic wand to transform the other person, it is about you and your responses to conflict. There is a lesson in AH about the tug-of-war nature of relationships in which both parties are constantly engaged in a struggle of guilt, blame, anger, whatever. The message being that if one person makes the decision not to engage in the tug-of-war it ceases to exist. I have found this to be very true in my relations with family and close friends. And I have found that I have committed myself in work and in my new relationship not to engage in this kind of behavior. If others want this kind of interaction I'm sure they can find it elsewhere, but for my own peace of mind I will not engage them in it.

Quote: speerflaura

Tony, I believe Mel, Belle and I are describing more or less the same experience - stepping aside from relationship with a person who is determined to create chaos. I say determined and I mean DETERMINED, at all costs, to create crazy-making, distracting chaos. The peaceful mind of the person across the street, or even the person in the same house, makes no difference to this determination.

[/quote

Again, we see things very differently. I refer you to lesson 8 in AH about exactly how your peace of mind can effect the conflict and chaos in another person. However, again, the most important thing is about how you react and whether you are brought into the conflict and allow it by responding in a way of conflict yourself.

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Re: 180 degree change in direction ( 21:07:14 FriApr 8 2005 )

I am sorry to be the techno-idiot who can't operate the Quote option. I was trying to quote Weiss and belle side by side. I might as well have typed it.

Weiss said

"It continues to amaze me how people are so focused on various conflicts that they are missing their own contribution. I believe that once I reached a place where I was not warring in myself, I was able to radically transform how I viewed my ex-wife. It didn't happen overnight but we've started to reach a place where we are reasonably peaceful with each other. "

Belle said

"In some of your most recent posts it seems to me you are now aware of ways you did this in your own marriage."

Then Tc, Weiss, and jimmie said this observation was not conducive to joining, was childish and judgmental, and typical of Belle, who had previously taken such views of NPD'ers and also had conflicts of her own with her husband, that she should look at.

It was obviously the wrong thing to say. I am sure belle regrets saying it. It would help me a great deal to understand just where the offense lies, though. I thought it sounded congratulatory and obviously you three men didn't. Please help me to understand - I am a simple-minded, uncomprehending "normal" who is trying to grasp the NPD thought process. I do not wish to offend unintentionally.

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