Re: Where to start? ( 15:35:26 WedApr 13 2005 ) |
Hi Free of Fem..... ( Love the name)
I am speaking for myself here, but I've realized in healing my wounds and growing into myself that, while dating, it's important to stay in the moment and how I'm feeling at the time.
I have had to trust myself, to know what feels right for me and what doesn't. This doesn't mean there is anything wrong with the other person, or myself for that matter. To me it means loving myself enough to trust me.
I've found that after having lived with an NPD'er, that I had become quite pranoid even about the most innocent human behavior from him. (Which was my paranoia) A negative quality that impacted our relationship quite signifigantly.
I dated once while separated from the NPD'er in my life. The person I dated wasn't right for me. Although we shared good conversation, etc I felt my personal boundaries crossed many times thorughout the evening, and although I gently made them clear, my date was consistent in trying to have me change these boundaries, and in a sense in a few short hours of time it became clear to me, because of this ... we would not be comaptible. At the end of the evening, I felt very good about myself, I trusted and loved myself enough to not pursue this relationship any further. The night had ended nicely, and I'm peaceful about it.
My feeling in getting to know someone new is that I have to determine, not just what I am hearing, but also what the actions are that go with the words being said to me etc. People can hear the same words and view a statement different ways completely, it is what's there to back it up and the feeling it brings forth in me when I take in both actions, along with words.
On my date, I came to a decision about things in a few short hours. Other situations I encounter require more time, as In I am reconciled with my NPD'er, and the journey has since been beautiful and full of love. I know their will be times of misunderstanding etc. But this is where I've decided my time is best spent right now. It takes time to trust unconditionally, to me that's the same as unconditional love.... My advice to you about dating is to know yourself very well, and wear your truth like a shield, this will serve you well in sifting through all your feelings and red flags that may or may not appear, and how you chose to handle them when/if they crop up. I think that in the begining, after having been through so much, its much easier to stay true to myself and in loving myself more now, than I ever have... I give and recieve love much more honestly too.
hope this helps in some way,
Until we mingle with other people, we stay safe in knowing what we know about ourselves... When we relate, we are then really living what we'ved learned and come to know as our own truth.