Heal NPD :: Family and Friends

Can't start a new thread. (Host Only)

Can't start a new poll. (Host Only)

Can't add a reply. (Host Only)

Can't edit your posts.(Everyone Registered)

Welcome, Register :: Log In
Friends of Narcissus active in this forum:
Friends of Narcissus active in this thread: Beloved and cherished GUEST(s) of Narcissus

4 human beings online in the last 15 minutes - 0 Friend(s) of Narcissus, 0 covert NPDers and 4 Beloved and cherished GUEST(s) of Narcissus. (Most ever was 57 at 01:37:31 Fri Sep 11 2009)

WHatever

Offline
43 posts

Mood Now:

Post Mood: Hardcore_Headbanging

Blew my stack ( 16:26:25 TueApr 26 2005 )

Speaking of expectations. I have had all I can take of my husband expecting other members of the family to read his mind and do what he thinks we should be doing. If someone fails to properly read his mind, which is frequent, he becomes irate and unbearable to be around for anywhere from a few hours to several days.

The most recent episode happened last night when our son went to the library with friends and got home late. Evidently my husband thought if he was going to be past a certain hour our son should call home and let us know. On the surface its not an unreasonable request but it was never stated. Needless to say our son had no clue this was expected, lost track of time and was home much beyond the time my husand felt was appropriate. The minute our son walked in the door my husband attacked him for not calling. Our son got defensive and said he was not told to call and my husband bellowed at him for talking back.

Now neither of them is speaking to the other and they both are barely speaking to me. My son is upset at me for what he sees as my enabling this kind of behavior and my husband is livid for questioning him, which I did at length after the fact. I told him we are all tired of being expected to read his mind and guess what is expected of us. He stormed out of the room and hasn't said a word. So here we are again. I'm frustrated beyond belief and I think both the boys are as well.

Like I said the expectation wasn't unreasonable and this could have been avoided by saying, please call if your going to be later than a certain hour. Is that really to much to ask? Is there a nice way of showing him the problem isn't what he asked of our son but the fact he never said it in so many words? I just don't know how much more any of us can put up with the mindreading games.

Mood:

Mood Now:

( Hardcore_Headbanging ) Post Mood:

( Hardcore_Headbanging )

TcBrown

Offline
2954 posts

Cyber Healing PhD
Eat your heart out
Pacific Western

Mood Now:
Post Mood:

Reply

Re: Blew my stack ( 02:23:59 WedApr 27 2005 )

Thinking others can or will read minds seems to be common with NPD. I know I've done this to varying degrees and feel most comfortable with those who appear to be in sync with my thoughts. I'd suggest this is a case where simply saying the same thing you did here would be helpful. Namely that his request was reasonable but people cannot be asked to follow orders that are never spoken. Perhaps if you give him positive feedback it will make him feel more comfortable saying what he is thinking in the future.

---
Instead of quoting the Budda, be the Budda, be "the awakened one," which is what the word budda means.

Eckhart Tolle, "The Power of Now"

Mood:

Mood Now:

( Bruised ) Post Mood: Chatty

( Chatty )

melaniemac

Offline
627 posts
Host
Human

Mood Now: Peaceful

Post Mood: Peaceful

Re: Blew my stack ( 15:36:29 WedApr 27 2005 )

This is sort of along the same line. In one of the few counselling sessions I got my ex to attend he talked about how he felt I didn't love him. I told him all the time that I did but he said my actions didn't reflect that. I asked him what he needed from me to feel that I loved him. He told me that he shouldn't have to tell me. If I loved him it would just show.

There are many other examples of this in our relationship. I don't think he even realized that it was happening.

I like TC's idea of just letting him know that you don't think his request was unreasonable. Also, in the future, before your son goes out, perhaps he could just check and see what time his father would like him home?

Mood:

Mood Now:

( Peaceful ) Post Mood:

( Peaceful )

gailabelle

Offline
223 posts

Mood Now:

Post Mood: Annoyed

Re: Blew my stack ( 20:55:57 WedApr 27 2005 )

I've been there and done this too and it is extremely frustrating.
I would suggest establishing some standard rules that always apply. For ex. if at ANY time the kids will be later than the standard rule time you set that they then always call.
This eliminated some of these problems at our house but often even if they called my h still had a cow even when circumstances that caused them to be late were not within the kids control, like if they rode with someone else for ex.
Another part of the problem for me was an unrealistic expectation that everyone adhere to my h's prefered schedule instead of our own in addition to the mindreading expectation.
As the kids got big and more involved with outside activities, I think it was difficult for my h to accept that he did not get to control everything. Ultimately, I handled all things kids related, letting him know in advance if he needed to alter his schedule in any way to help out. This worked out better for all of us then the unexpected outburst of unexpressed expectations sceneros. Kids do better when they know what is expected IMO and relieving him of the need to worry or keep up with them did seem to help somewhat.
:batman:

---
Fear is that little darkroom where negatives are developed.--Michael Pritchard

Mood:

Mood Now:

( Excited ) Post Mood: Annoyed

( Annoyed )

jimmie

Unavailable
571 posts

Mood Now:

Post Mood: Headphone_Heaven

Re: Blew my stack ( 23:36:18 WedApr 27 2005 )

Looking at this from a attitudinal healing perspective you might take the positive feedback one step further. In addition to saying the expectation was reasonable you might calmly and nonjudgmentally ask him what was happening in his mind that prevented him from doing a better job of expressing himself. If you don't approach him with anger but really do care about how he's feeling this sounds like a problem that can likely be avoided in the future.

Mood:

Mood Now:

( Headphone_Heaven ) Post Mood:

( Headphone_Heaven )

WHatever

Offline
43 posts

Mood Now:

Post Mood: Hardcore_Headbanging

Re: Blew my stack ( 15:51:14 FriApr 29 2005 )

One of the more frustrating aspects of dealing with my husband is that he often pushes away positive feedback. Its as though he suspects I have a hidden motive for being nice. I confess, I do, I'd like to see him become a more healthy person. I have attempted to offer him positive feedback as is suggested here. Time will tell what happens.

Mood:

Mood Now:

( Hardcore_Headbanging ) Post Mood:

( Hardcore_Headbanging )

Inverted

Offline
49 posts

Mood Now:

Post Mood: Suspicious

Re: Blew my stack ( 18:21:35 FriApr 29 2005 )

Hmmm, could be, Whatever. Whenever anyone pays me a compliment I push them away, too. I get suspicious that they don't mean it. How could they if I'm worthless?

Problem is, my opinion of myself has nothing to do with their opinion of me. They are really saying something heartfelt. But I check it against what I feel (I suck) and I'm right and they're wrong, and how can they say something positive if I know it not to be true. Must be fake. This is projection.

NPDers sometimes respond better if you remove the compliment from 'I' to 'You'.

Instead of, 'I think you're really wonderful, honey, and brave to do xyz'...(triggers fear in NPDer, because he/she might not agree).

Say....'You really are wonderful, honey, and brave to do xyz'. (Admiration.)

If you and your husband are very honest with each other, you could give him positive feedback and ask him how he feels about your saying it. Open up a dialogue. But only if he is aware of being an NPDer.

Having positive feedback can be painful. My father never tells me he loves me, but he did show some acts of kindness. But he beat me and emotionally abandoned me. When he says kind things, it is coupled with the abuse. So how can kind things truly be kind? They are twisted and warped. 'You're my talented son...*smack*...'you piece of sh**'...*smack*...'you're wonderful'...*smack*

My mother tells me she loves me often. This coming from a woman who never calls, and who left when I was 11 years old and refused to pay child support and refused to be a mother but instead a sister. So when she says 'I love you', it is twisted because it is not backed up. This is why I feel horrible when someone tells me good things.

I don't know your husband's history, but hopefully this can give you an example of why positive feedback sometimes can hurt--it reminds us of our past.

Letting him know you are there for him is important. He may be afraid of abandonment? Positive feedback may trigger those feelings in youth when someone who should have loved failed to.

Mood:

Mood Now:

( Airheaded ) Post Mood:

( Suspicious )

Steely

Offline
48 posts

Mood Now:

Post Mood: Scattered

Re: Blew my stack ( 20:22:58 FriApr 29 2005 )

Problem is, my opinion of myself has nothing to do with their opinion of me. They are really saying something heartfelt. But I check it against what I feel (I suck) and I'm right and they're wrong, and how can they say something positive if I know it not to be true. Must be fake. This is projection.

(Hope this worked as a quote)

Just wanted to say Inverted you've summed this up to a "T". Positive feedback just won't work BECAUSE I'M WORTHLESS. WHY am I worthless? Because I say so = vicious circle ad infinitum.

Mood:

Mood Now:

( Inspired ) Post Mood:

( Scattered )

Steely

Offline
48 posts

Mood Now:

Post Mood: Irritated

Re: Blew my stack ( 20:26:34 FriApr 29 2005 )

oh dear - still can't &^*%#!$ quote... ho hum

Mood:

Mood Now:

( Inspired ) Post Mood:

( Irritated )

melaniemac

Offline
627 posts
Host
Human

Mood Now: Peaceful

Post Mood: Peaceful

Re: Blew my stack ( 04:14:16 SatApr 30 2005 )

That's how I felt with my ex. It didn't matter what good things I had to say about him, all he ever heard was the negative. But the funny part was, there was way more positive than negative. When a person doesn't want to hear it, I just don't think they will.

My two cents.

Mel

Mood:

Mood Now:

( Peaceful ) Post Mood:

( Peaceful )

Can't start a new thread. (Host Only)

Can't start a new poll. (Host Only)

Can't add a reply. (Host Only)

Can't edit your posts.(Everyone Registered)Total Friends of Narcissus: 3951

Can't start a new thread. (Host Only)

Can't start a new poll. (Host Only)

Can't add a reply. (Host Only)

Can't edit your posts.(Everyone Registered)