Cyber Healing PhD
Eat your heart out
Re: Blew my stack ( 14:53:23 SatApr 30 2005 ) |
There is a lot truth in the idea that if a person doesn't want to hear the positive feedback, for whatever reason, they won't. The ego is very powerful in this regard. I don't believe this is in any way restricted to us NPDers, though it certainly complicates things considerably. There was a somewhat humorous, though serious, example of how our minds work in this regard offered by Greg Baer. If I were to spend ten minutes in a conversation with you during which the first 9 minutes I was very polite and considerate, but during the final minute I started screaming andchasing you around the room with a butcher knife, which do you think is going to leave the lasting impression on most people? If you honest the answer is the lasting memory will be the madman with the knife in the final minute, not the 90 percent of the time where things were going good.
This leads us back to the point that fear and love cannot co-exist as taught in Attitudinal Healing. If a person is in a relationship where they do not feel unconditionally loved, they are going to focus on the negative rather then the conditions which lead to imitation love. This is true because imitation love does not come close to fullfilling our true needs no matter how much we might want to tell ourselves otherwise.
So if a person who has developed an NPD system comes into a relationship it is almost by definition going to be centered around Imitiation Love. In my case there are good moments in my past and fond memories I have in my childhood. However, it is the 10 percent of the time that led to the development of my NPD which is leaving the lasting impression on my psyche. The 90 percent of the time is nice and all that, but fear of rejection, abandonment and other emotional concerns far out weigh the good feelings that come with Imitation or conditional love.
In a relationship based on conditional love it is not surprising that a person is suspicious of positive feedback, if the next minute, day, week, whenever, they are right back to receiving rejection in the form of another person trying to change them for whatever reason. Whenever we offer criticism to anyone it should always be done from a position of unconditional love where the message is focused on building on the positive rather then rejection around the negative.. We should attempt to understand why a person is behaving the way they are and never assume we know what is really going on in their mind - a rather major foundational idea of healthy empathy. Once a person with NPD comes to a place where he does not fear another will offer unconditional love 90 percent of the time, and conditional love the other percent, they will be able to work toward healing themselves and connecting with their true self.
Have faith that people do their best. I don't know anyone who would eat with pigs out of a trough in muddy barnyard if he knew that a well-prepared meal was on the table in a clean house - do you? Greg Baer.