Heal NPD :: Family and Friends :: Apple peels in the sink

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6 human beings online in the last 15 minutes - 0 Friend(s) of Narcissus, 0 covert NPDers and 6 Beloved and cherished GUEST(s) of Narcissus. (Most ever was 57 at 01:37:31 Fri Sep 11 2009)

Little_by_Little

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Apple peels in the sink ( 14:40:04 FriMay 6 2005 )

Yesterday I ate an apple and carelessy, and evidently thoughtlessly left my peels in the kitchen sink. When my husband came home he blew a gasket. It seems that apple peels in sink really upset his cookies. He raged on this for about an hour in which he covered a lot of other things that were eating at him. Once again no one except him can do anything right.

We have been together for twenty years and I can not recall ever before committing a sin as serious as leaving my peels in the sink. Perhaps I wouldn't have done this had their been a sign saying DON'T LEAVE YOUR DAMNED PEELS IN THE SINK!. I mean its obvious something else triggered this but as far as I'm concerned he made a total fool of himself by lashing out at something so minor.

I bit my tounge and said nothing. Our kids have learned to retreat in the face of this insanity. Things are not going well and I honestly don't know what to do.

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TcBrown

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Re: Apple peels in the sink ( 15:30:02 FriMay 6 2005 )

Its a good thing you can see that something more important than peals in the sink were happening. As we learn in AH people are never upset for the reasons they think they are. I personally have a nasty tendency to let little things bug the heck out of me, while ignoring the bigger problems in life. That's because its a lot safer to get mad at something like peals in the sink than say feeling unworthy of being loved. I'm not suggesting this is a good way of handling anger or stress, only that its a pretty common thing for NPDers and others to do.

I have a better appreciation now than in the past about how others must be feeling as they witness some of the more bizarre and obscure tirades I have gotten off on. I have even found myself wondering what in the world is eating another person who is doing his own rampage about a little thing. Its just that for years I never really stopped to think about what I was really uncomfortable about was that they were doing the same kind of thing I do and how uncomfortable and unhappy I really am when I do this kind of thing.

Its probably not any consolation to hear this but if it weren't apple peals chances are high it would have been something else. It sounds like he was searching for a safe place to vent and he did a pretty good job of unleashing. Now the question is how safe was this little tirade after all? That's a question he might be wondering but its pretty unlikely he could express those feelings to you or even himself.

I have this feeling that you're wondering what comes next? I don't know because I don't have to live with this person. Perhaps if you feel safe approaching him in a calm, nonjudgmental way you might ask him if he could talk about what was really upsetting him. There is a certain danger there because he might think you are disrespecting his feelings and trying to tell him you know more about what he feels than he does. All I can suggest is that if you show him unconditional love by saying you are concerned about what is really bothering him and aren't going to reject him for whatever it is, than its his choice whether or not to accept this opening and try to use it as a stepping stone toward healing.

Good luck

---
Have faith that people do their best. I don't know anyone who would eat with pigs out of a trough in muddy barnyard if he knew that a well-prepared meal was on the table in a clean house - do you? Greg Baer.

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weissfamily

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Re: Apple peels in the sink ( 17:49:54 SunMay 8 2005 )

Have you tried switching to bannas? :bigtimetrouble:

Sorry, couldn't resist. :flush:

I agree with the thought something deeper than your droppings were behind his explosion. My best guess would be if you had asked him at the time what was fueling this he would have been unable to answer and would have felt pretty silly. Been there, done that more times than I care to recall. Inanimate objects make wonderful releases of our anger except for those nasty times when other people catch the brunt of it. I suggest not making too much of this kind of thing because its kind of giving attention to his less than desireable side. Kind of like my youngest recently outgrew his tendency to make loud and rather disgusting noises at the dinner table after we learned to stop paying attention to him. I think he wants you to focus on the peels so he doesn't feel an obligation to dig deeper and find out what's really happening. Sometimes you need to chalk one up to experience and hope like heck that if he doesn't get any reaction he might just stop and wonder why people are no longer playing his games.

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Little_by_Little

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Re: Apple peels in the sink ( 21:42:27 WedMay 11 2005 )

I know TC wants us to use the new forums but I started this here and I feel stuck so I'll let him move it if he feels the need. I'll try to adjust to the new place but its hard to teach old f/fs new forums.

I found out at least some of what was eating my husband, and it comes in two parts. First, he was stunned that when he left that I wasn't more aggresive in seeking a divorce. I guess he wanted it but he wanted me to take the lead. So he returned because he didn't really have a plan, which isn't terribly reassuring. Second, a few months ago he decided that to save money he no longer needed his cell phone. I still have one and now he's using it all the time after telling me he never used his. I know he wants me to order him a new one but until he comes out and says it in so many words I am being stubborn. Not sure if this is the best approach but it seems to be where our relationship is at this time.

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TcBrown

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Re: Apple peels in the sink ( 02:22:50 ThuMay 12 2005 )

it sounds as though the process of divorce is more difficult in reality than the wounded little boy in your husband is prepared to accept. Once he realized you weren't going to do what he wanted he decided to retreat and hope all the problems went away. Although I've never been in this kind of situation I have definitely experienced the feeling of wanting someone else to do all the adult bad stuff. Now I guess you have to figure out if you're going to move forward in the relationship. It sounds as though you are growing stronger and this is a good thing.

Tony

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Re: Apple peels in the sink ( 22:40:59 ThuMay 12 2005 )

Hi Little,

My experience is only of being with a person with npd for 4 years but we lived together for a couple of those years and having been engaged to him and combined familes and all... I felt compelled to respond to your post.

I know the feeling of having to handle all the important decisions, at least up until he had enough of support to decide to sell our house and toss me out. Like your cell phone, and his lack of one... I would be the one to straighten those matters out. I think sometimes we are on high alert living in order to avoid upsets. My ex-fiance was not typically one to yell too loudly, but loud enough and in his own mind not ever loud at all, he didn't yell. My kids as well as his own would seek the shelter of their rooms or their sony walkmans. We weren't as fortunate as deckhanddaughter in that our relationship has ended. I've made an email mistake and wounded him pretty severely. I agree with TC, the anger is hidden and vented in safer issues such as apple peels. When I moveed out of the house with my kids, I had handled everything, and prepared the house for sale as well. The story could go on forever. There is a strength in knowing that as people we are equipped to handle adult things, bills moving etc, the things that require us to be responsible. I can honestly say, I have no joy in my heart as to what the outcome of this relationship has been for me. He feels all the problems stem from myself and had said over and over agin he supported me in my healing, but there was never any allowance for my feelings. Things just didn't survive.

At least you are getting to some of the root of the problem. I don't know that taking a stance and not just getting a new cell phone for him, will show him anything more than rejection and he's apt to feel more anger. That is how my x-fiance would have responded. I found myself always doing ....just to keep the peace, I'm still recovering.

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