Heal NPD :: Family and Friends :: Breaking Generational Curses

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3 human beings online in the last 15 minutes - 0 Friend(s) of Narcissus, 0 covert NPDers and 3 Beloved and cherished GUEST(s) of Narcissus. (Most ever was 57 at 01:37:31 Fri Sep 11 2009)

nandistar

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Breaking Generational Curses ( 19:32:49 FriAug 15 2003 )

In my self-discovery and healing process, I was meditating on bits and pieces of my own childhood memories last night. Remembering can be very painful at times and a lot easier to understand now than back then. It is graduatlly becoming clearer to me that while I have been looking at my (NPD) husband and how others may have introduced me to narcissism that actually my own upbringing may have been a precursor without my knowledge.

I reflected on the many stories my dad told me about his growing up poor in a small rural town as an only child reared by his grandparents (strict, religious authoritarians). His parents divorced when he was a toddler, father estranged and mother deserted him to live the "high-life" in another state. He confessed that he was plagued with feelings of shame that his mother and father had abandoned him to live as an outsider. Even though his mother sent money and new clothes for him he was made to wear old, oversized clothes to school and fight for position with cousins who teased him becaues he had no immediate family...Dysfunctional at best.

My dad raised my siblings and me by the only standards he had ever known: the father is the head of the family, women are submissive to men, children are his possessions, children should be obedient without being allowed to express their emotions, big boys don't cry, family affairs are never discussed outside the family, etc. Being the oldest and a daughter may have made it easier on me than if I had been a son. I was allowed (and expected) to show my emotions.

I am a firm believer that "knowledge is power". What was meant to "kill, steal and destroy" me has only strengthened me with the power to break the "generational curse" from being passed on due to the lack of knowledge. I view my (and other) children differently and communicate with them in healthier ways. Now, I will continue to learn so I can plant (healthy) seeds in my children and hopefully reap "good fruit". while influencing others. :peace:

Peace,

Nandi

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TcBrown

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Re: Breaking Generational Curses ( 00:51:53 SatAug 16 2003 )

Alice Miller offers powerful insight into the deep wounds of childhood. It is easy to see where her writings would touch those who are in pain, regardless of whether or not they suffer from NPD. A lot of your talking about is similar in nature to trauma which can cause narcissistic disturbances, so its good that your looking at yourself and making an effort to heal whatever wounds might be open.

I also feel an urge to break the generational curse in my family. That might be grandiose or even wishful thinking but I am making an effort to call attention to the wounds and hopefully we as a family are growing stronger. Sometimes it dosen't really feel that we are, but there are days when I see hints that we're going in the right direction.

Keep up the good work

---
You do not need to be loved, not at the cost of yourself. The single relationship that is truly central and crucial in a life is the relationship to the self . .. Of all the people you will know in a lifetime , you are the only one you will never lose.

~ Jo Courdt

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nandistar

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Re: Breaking Generational Curses ( 12:57:52 SatAug 16 2003 )

Thank you T.C.! In your experience, when the wounds are opened how do they heal while it is so painful? In a previous co-dependent counseling session, my wounds were exposed and I was left to suffer through the pain without any "antibotics" or "pain relievers" to help me deal with the soreness while dealing with everyday activities. How does one function with this gaping wound? :please:
Please advise.

Peace,

Nandi

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TcBrown

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Re: Breaking Generational Curses ( 14:45:41 SatAug 16 2003 )

I very much appreciate the difficulty of getting through everyday life while working through open wounds. It seem that how we get through pain of this nature various from person to person but I will share some of what has worked for me and others that I know of.

First, it is important to have some kind of a strong support network, whether it be friends or family. You need someone who you trust and feel comfortable sharing this even outside of a therapy setting. These people can be an ear for you to lean on and they can serve the designated purpose of being there to keep you moving forward. I discourage anyone from trying to work through these wounds by themselves as the pain can be overwhelming and can lead to all consuming depression.

For me I have found that taking time each day, either in the morning or evening to mediate has been very helpful. This allows me to ask questions of myself and to seek answers regarding some of the sources of the pain. If you allow yourself to listen to your heart and mind this can ultimately be one of the most rewarding aspects of the healing journey.

Writing your true feelings in a journel or writing poetry have proven to be very healing for many. I cannot write poetry to save my soul and my efforts at journeling are at best sporadic. However if this sounds like something that would work for you than I encourage you to try.

Part of healing is feeling these deep, deep painful feelings. I know it is not fun but we are here as a community to support you in this process. We cannot offer hugs but you are in are hearts.

TC

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nandistar

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Re: Breaking Generational Curses ( 01:50:41 MonAug 18 2003 )

Thank you very much, TC! I believe your suggestions are right on.

FYI, I met with my husband this weekend and we spoke about our first therapy session scheduled for this Thursday. Neither of us has a clue as to what to expect. He did share with me that he is concerned about answering questions from the therapist only to have his answer "turned back on him".

He says he knows there is something wrong with him and he is tired. To me this is a good sign and a beginning point towards healing. Do you have any tips on what we should avoid in a therapist treating NPD? I do not want my husband hurt any more than he already has been. He trusts me as his family at this point (probably more than his immediate family) and I do not want to lead him down the wrong road.:firstdayoftherapy:

Please advise.

Peace...Nandi

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TcBrown

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Re: Breaking Generational Curses ( 13:06:22 MonAug 18 2003 )

I understand your husband's concern about not wanting his answers turned back on him, but if your working with a high quality therapist that shouldn't be a concern. Therapy is a healing process but in order to heal you must allow another person to see your wounds and to even probe them somewhat in order to develop a better understanding.

It can be very difficult for a lot of people to develop an intimate relationship with their therapist, but more so people who are NPD. We learned a long time ago that trust and love are painful experiences and we will do anything to avoid having to feel that pain again.

Most therapsits will go very slow working with someone whom they have any reason to suspect might have a disorder of this nature. One of the things that a therapist will try to accomplish is for your husband to develop an attachment to him/her so that they can work through these issues of trust and love.

Many people with NPD historically rebel at the idea of developing an attachment with their therapist and the ultimate success of failure of therapy is largely dependent on this. Many of us have never had a healthy attachment with anyone prior to entering therapy so this is a terrifying experience.

I wish you good luck. Remember that the process will likely go slow and you have the authority to quit or look for another therapist if your not comfortable with how things are progressing.

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athenathinks

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Re: Breaking Generational Curses ( 21:23:11 WedAug 20 2003 )

nandi:

Hope all is going well.

In my experience, joint therapy works best if the parties take the attitude: "Our relationship is broken and we want to fix it", as opposed to: "My spouse/myself is broken - you fix it.".

A good therapist will gently guide and correct either party if their thinking is muddled or their behavior off. A good therapist will help you BOTH uncover wrong-headed thinking patterns and help you establish good "rules" for communication and interaction, and even help guide you through the more frightening passages of emotional intimacy (over time).

In my case, with my husband, this worked wonders. NPD was never mentioned - and truly, I think it's irrelevant...what matters to me is not whether he has a PD, but rather how he treat/interacts with me and how he expresses his feelings, both positive and negative. AND how I do the same for him. (I think he DOES have NPD, and learning about it has certainly helped me understand him better, but labels are not really necessary for healing).

I will say that in our therapist DID have him look hard at the similarities and relationships between his reactions to/treatment of me and his experiences growing up, which were pretty awful. At our last session she talked about his relationship with his father, commenting "So with all that anger already there, would it be fair to say that (Athena) never had a chance?" - with which he agreed.

I feel very hopeful for you because you are entering this joint therapy. After all, NPD is about damaged and damaging relationships (in the visible to others sense) - so having a little relationship coaching can't hurt if the therapist is good and the parties really invested.

My husband has his own therapist, in addition. I think she's helpful, but the biggest positive changes in his behavior with me have come on the heels of the joint therapy experience. Can't say enough good things about it!

Keep us posted -

Athena

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