|
Shout Box
Healing becomes possible when all parties in a relationship come to see each other as co-creators of the relationship rather then attacker, and victim.
|
|
Can't start a new thread. (Host Only)Can't start a new poll. (Host Only)Can't add a reply. (Host Only)Can't edit your posts.(Everyone Registered) | Register :: Log In :: Steering Committee
The time is now 08:43:08 Thu May 23 2013
|
| Welcome, Register :: Log In | | | Friends of Narcissus active in this forum: | | Friends of Narcissus active in this thread: Beloved and cherished GUEST(s) of Narcissus |
5 human beings online in the last 15 minutes - 0 Friend(s) of Narcissus, 0 covert NPDers and 5 Beloved and cherished GUEST(s) of Narcissus. (Most ever was 57 at 01:37:31 Fri Sep 11 2009)
|
Balbrenny 
Offline
444 posts
Mood Now: 
Post Mood: 
Reply
| |
Bad weekend ( 05:41:11 TueOct 21 2003 ) | |
Last weekend saw a major deterioration around here (had to happen given the fantastic weekend we had a couple of weeks ago).
I went out during the morning and came back at lunchtime to find about 20 kids here. My 15 year old seemed pleasd with his popularity but I feel that a lot of them were only here because there were no adults. Many of these kids were older. My doubts were confirmed when I realised that a number of articles had been flung off my 6 metre high balcony. My younger son's bike landed in the neighbour's property, bending the handlebars and breaking a pedal.
That evening a number of his 'friends' called round. These were kids I knew and trusted.
The next day I noticed that a graffiti tag had been carved on the back and seat of 2 dining room chairs. My son denied any knowledge of this. One of his friends told me that the tag belonged to the same kid who had thrown stuff off the balcony the previous morning. The name I was given was not in the phone book. I spoke to a couple of other parents and then went to the police.
My son got very angry at my going to the police and punched a hole in the wall. He said 'It's only a chair!' I haven't seen this type of rage for a while.
The police have now investigated the incident and the kid named had been set up by the others. It was one of the kids that I trusted and two of the others are willing to testify that they saw him do it. The disturbing thing for me is that, according to them, my son was present when this happened and, not only did he not try to stop the damage, he seems to have found it funny and, in a way, encouraged it.
The kid who did the damage is older than the others. I have told the police that I would prefer he is only cautioned but, from what they have said, he may have had previous cautions and might be charged.
I have not yet spoken to my son about what the police have told me. I am disturbed by his lack of respect for family property (a trait I have observed before) but he is more important to me than a chair. I think his rage is being caused by his knowing that he should have done something to stop this. It is also probably being caused by shame at his vicarious enjoyment of the act. (I was at home at the time but in another room with my other son.)
On the same day, some money (about $150 Au - my housekeeping for the week - bread and dripping time!!) went missing from my room. I do not know who took it. As far as I know, my son has never stolen money from me.
My son has now taken off in anger after I tried to talk to him about how I felt about my property being damaged in this way. Has anybody any ideas?
Linda
| | Mood: | Mood Now: ( Optimistic ) Post Mood: ( Flexible ) |
athenathinks
Offline
298 posts
Healing Postaholic
Mood Now: 
Post Mood:
Reply
| |
Re: Bad weekend ( 14:25:44 TueOct 21 2003 ) | |
I agree with Tc that the matter(s) should be addressed interpersonally as a priority - but I think you need to set and enforce some strong boundaries to protect yourself and your property.
I think you need to have a sit-down with your son and tell him in no uncertain terms that no visitors are allowed in the absence of a responsible adult. The next step, as he is unlikely to either enforce this with or even tell his friends about it, is to post a "No Trespassing/No entry without express permission of homeowner". Then be prepared to follow through and prosecute those who trespass.
I have seen this before. A co-worker has a son, now 19, who has exhibited the same behavior in the past - starting around middle school in smaller ways. She talked and talked but did not consequate the behavior in any meaningful way. Eventually, the abuses of her home got so out of control that all she had left, once he reached legal adulthood, was a houseful of holes in the walls, beer stained carpet, cigarette and joint burns on the furniture, and occasionally missing electronics and other property. This all started in a similar fashion to what you are describing.
Sadly for her, she needs to sell her home due to financial difficulties, but in a buyer's market there are no comers due to the condition of the house. She has ultimately had to declare bankruptcy. The now legal adult son is of no help, either financially or physically.
Finally, she reached her limit a few of months ago, bought him a $600.00 van and six months insurance - and threw him out. Not long after that, he's back again. Slightly better, but the old behaviors are starting to return...people coming in and out, breaking things and putting her at risk for prosecution because of the underage drinking and pot smoking going on.
I've been watching this process for years (off and on since he was about 8). She's a good person but a very ineffective parent. She complains and tells him how she feels about it, yells or makes new "rules", but has never actually DONE anything about it. What he has learned is that Mom is whiny, bitchy and a pushover...and that she doesn't really mean it - or worse, being an effective parent for him is inconvenient, too hard, too messy, too scary.
I think what B is really angry and acting out about is her ineffective parenting. Her style, much as I like her personally, is hardly better than having NO parent - and I think that deep down, he continues to challenge her authority in the secret hope that she'll do what parents SHOULD do - which is guide, teach, and consequate - and take control for him. 19 is too late for this, but his need for it is still strong enough for him to continue trying to create a true parent-child relationship.
Children lack self-control and tolerance for delayed gratification. That's the developmental fact. Parents, to be effective, must not only provide the example of self-control and tolerance for delayed gratification, but must make sure that their children are subject to teaching through consequences - and guided through delayed gratification.
Some kids are more amenable to it. Some are harder because they have a hard time reconciling their need for authority against their distaste for it. But they all do need it.
My co-worker has tried other things - a wilderness camp situation a coulpe of years ago, helping him enroll in the army after that (lasted only through boot camp. He's basically in permanent reserves; the army doesn't want him in a position of combat or power or authority because he is not mentally or emotionally prepared for it). Basically, guiding him into situations where OTHER adults were doing what she should have been doing all along.
That isn't enough for B. He needs his Mom to be a Mom, not just an equal roomate who just happens to pay all the bills. She acts more like a naggy sister - and B rebels by treating her like one. Still.
He's actually a very bright kid. SOOO smart. But he remains a child in limbo - waiting for a real parent to show him what to do and how to grow up, so none of that innate brilliance is put to use, not even for his own (real) benefit. Instead, all his abilities and smarts are focused on remaining able to stay connected to his Mom by acting out and returning over and over again to the nest - because she has not ever shown him how to be on his own, a adult, effectively.
It's a very sad situation.
Athena
| | Mood: | Mood Now: ( Peaceful ) Post Mood: ( Peaceful ) |
Balbrenny
Offline
444 posts
Mood Now:
Post Mood:
Reply
| |
Re: Bad weekend ( 14:37:24 TueOct 21 2003 ) | |
Thanks, Tony - that is a really helpful suggestion.
I was reluctant to go to the Police but I felt that there were issues of safety for myself and both of my sons. Some of the youths that were here on Saturday morning are older than the usual lot of kids. I have some suspicions about what their interests may be in being with younger teenagers. Our house is a bit isolated. On the opposite side of the laneway from our house there is bushland - very wooded. These boys parked their cars in the lay-by there. On Saturday afternoon, after the crowd had left, I went over to clean up the rubbish in the bush - we have had high winds recently and a lot of paper had been blown there. Within a metre of the lay-by I found an uncapped needle and syringe.
I clean up over there fairly regularly and am sure that it was a recent deposit.
At the time that I went to the Police, I believed that the chairs had been damaged on Saturday morning. The Police interviewed some of the kids and then told me that the damage had, in fact, occurred in the evening when other kids were here. It turns out that one of these boys (not the one who carved the chair) is on probation and that the conditions include a 9pm curfew. I did not name this boy to the Police - one of the other boys did. However, he has broken the conditions of his bail and may go to a youth detention centre as a result. I only found out about this complication tonight. Of course, my son is blaming me for his friend's situation.
In some ways, it may have been better to keep the Police out but I felt that I had to take some action. If there had not been so many lies being told about what had happened I would not have been put in the position that I was. When the boys (who knew who was really involved) gave me the name of an innocent person, they knew that I intended taking action - at the very least contacting the boy's family (not listed in the phone book, unfortunately). They had some kind of grievance against him and wanted to get him into trouble.
My son knew that I was going to the Police but still chose not to tell me the truth about what had happened.
I know that there are a lot of wounds that go back to Police involvement last year and earlier this year that have not yet been addressed. I have tried a couple of times to arrange for mediation between my son and I to look at these matters but he has been reluctant to become involved although I have suggested his counsellor (whom he likes) as a possible mediator.
Just to give you an idea -
Last March, I phoned the Police and reported my son to them. At the time, he was in a rage and had taken a hammer to all the phone connections and phones in the house. He had smashed bowls and ornaments throwing them at me. He also threw a pair of dressmaking scissors - they embedded themselves in the wall. He was demanding money from me. The last straw was when he pushed me very hard and I fell awkwardly tearing a muscle in my leg. I crawled down the hallway and phoned the Police using my mobile. I counted the holes in the walls the next day - there were eight plus all the smashed phones and stuff.
When the Police arrived, my son took off out the back door. He came back later and went to bed without saying a word. This is one of the incidents that I know need to be addressed. I guess that because things had been going reasonably well recently, I had just been 'letting sleeping dogs lie' instead of being more proactive about having family counselling - exactly as you so accurately state that many families do.
Perhaps this incident is a timely reminder to me to get off my backside and start to get these matters dealt with.
Thanks for everything
Linda
| | Mood: | Mood Now: ( Optimistic ) Post Mood: ( Flexible ) |
Balbrenny
Offline
444 posts
Mood Now:
Post Mood:
Reply
| |
Re: Bad weekend ( 16:58:50 TueOct 21 2003 ) | |
Thanks to all of you for your support - Life, Athena and Jimmie, as well as TC.
Jimmie and Athena, I didn't see your posts until after I had replied to TC.
I know exactly what you are saying, Athena. For me, being a single parent is a new experience and when my son returned to living with me (he spent five months with his father after he left) he was used to a lot less supervision than he is currently experiencing. My ex was very controlling (eg he forced our son to get his hair cut) but was at work 10 hours a day and fequently out all day at the weekends. My son had grown used to doing what he wanted (so long as Dad didn't find out, and, in many ways, Dad didn't want to find out).
Setting limits has been hard as my son had become used to not having to answer to an adult for a lot of his behaviour. While he was living with his father, he was allowed to make home brew in the shed (I think my ex thought this could be some kind of 'bonding exercise'), he didn't go to school (Dad was not around to ensure he had gone - so long as he was wearing his school uniform when my ex came home from work) and he could generally hang around the local park, getting stoned all day. My son was 14 years old.
Although I do not like using the Police, I feel that, in certain situations I have no other option like when he was in the acting-out rage in March. Since that time, I have not had a repeat of that extreme behaviour. Even the rage that he is showing at the present time has been much more 'controlled'. Only one hole in the wall, in his bedroom and he told me that he had fallen over and hit the wall with his shoulder. (Rather than doing it in front of me in defiance.) Some shouting and leaving the house without permission - I thought he may not return tonight but instead he was back by his bedtime.
I too have known people like your friend - I'm determined that I won't end up in that position. Up until about a month ago there were much fewer kids coming around here - things were under control. During the two weeks holidays (our autumn) at the start of this month, I had two run-away girls staying here (I was working with the welfare services and their mothers to get them off the streets and back home) They are friends of my son's.
Having them here was like having a magnet for boys. Things started to get out of hand during that time - One of the girls stayed here for two weeks.
Anyway, it was during the second week of the holidays that a lot of new boys started appearing. All boys that my son knows from school but they had never shown any interest in developing a friendship with him before. There was also a change in my son's attitude to me - more showing off and defiance (to impress the girl?).
I was, in many ways, too lenient during this time. I was aware of the dangers of what was going on but focused on finding a solution to the girl's homelessness (There are no facilities for a girl this age here - under 12's and over 15's yes - but nothing for a 14 year old as a result of the Government funding structure). Her mum didn't want her back and the welfare system could only find her a temporary place in a refuge four hours drive away. I believed that once she was gone everything would go back to normal so I spent time talking to both the girl and the mother and involving various services. Anyway, she did return home ten days ago and her mother is going to a parents' support group.
But the whole thing has reminded me how quickly these situations form. A month ago, I had a reasonable situation - friends only over at certain times, etc. I know that I have to stand firm to regain what I have lost.
"Some kids are more amenable to it. Some are harder because they have a hard time reconciling their need for authority against their distaste for it. But they all do need it."
I agree totally with you, Athena. My youngest son is much easier to discipline than my eldest. My eldest has a very strong defiance streak and is constantly pushing the limits.
Jimmie, you're right about respect. It is a lesson that I have tried to teach but as I said I have noticed this trait before. It's kind of a long story as to where I think it may be coming from. My ex and I spent four years doing a small subdivision and building a house. During this time, we did not have much money. The boys constantly heard "When the new house is finished ..." Four years is a long time in the life of a child. They were involved in designing their rooms, choosing the colours, etc. We moved in March last year - the house is still not finished - some painting and landscaping, paths, etc to be done. No curtains, light-fittings, etc. although I have made a point of finishing their rooms as they had planned them. In October my ex walked out. (12 months tomorrow, in fact) We are still living in the house but will have to move as I cannot afford to buy my ex out.
I know that both boys are feeling cheated - four years of anticipation and then it is being taken away. My youngest was into gardening and had drawn up plans for the gardens - since my ex left he has lost that interest - he no longer watches the gardening shows on TV. My eldest was more direct about his anger and at first kept running the house down - 'Stupid house - what did you pick these handles for? They're stupid - I hate this house'. In mediation both boys stated that they don't want to move out.
I might be wrong but I think that my eldest's complicity in what happened at the weekend may have some connection with this - perhaps punishing me for the situation. Or perhaps the house is, in some way, a symbol of what he has lost. Or perhaps he is destroying what he can't have. (I am assuming the furniture is an extension of the house) Or perhaps I am being too psychoanalytical here!!
I have been rambling here for ages. I can't tell you all how much I appreciate your words. Thanks again
Take care
Linda
| | Mood: | Mood Now: ( Optimistic ) Post Mood: ( Flexible ) |
Can't start a new thread. (Host Only)Can't start a new poll. (Host Only)Can't add a reply. (Host Only)Can't edit your posts.(Everyone Registered)Total Friends of Narcissus: 3951
Can't start a new thread. (Host Only)Can't start a new poll. (Host Only)Can't add a reply. (Host Only)Can't edit your posts.(Everyone Registered) | Register :: Log In :: Steering Committee
The time is now 08:43:08 Thu May 23 2013
|
Powered By BbBoard V1.4.2
© 2001-2007 BbBoy.net |
Community created
3.10.2003
|
)
