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3 human beings online in the last 15 minutes - 0 Friend(s) of Narcissus, 0 covert NPDers and 3 Beloved and cherished GUEST(s) of Narcissus. (Most ever was 57 at 01:37:31 Fri Sep 11 2009)

jimmie

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Reflections ( 11:10:49 WedMay 28 2003 )

The dust is beginning to settle and my mind feels more able to process some of what went on during our experience with the extensive therapy. I'm not used to getting very detailed about my family difficulties, perhaps because there has never before been an venue where I felt truly safe in doing so. Maybe it'll work out here, or it could be that I don't need to say as much as I believe I do.

The circumstances which led to our visit to Evergreen were a very long time coming. Over the last few years things have gotten progressively worse, to the point of being intolerable. The idea that our son is not human has never crossed our minds, ever, no matter how bad life got. My wife and I have always believed in our hearts, that like everyone else, he was given life for a reason. We love him with all our heart. Our love has been tested and I believe is stronger as a result.

The first indicator that things were out of control came two years ago when he was kicked off his high school football team after a UA came back hot. To say I was stunned does not begin to do justice to how I felt at the time. Our son had been a rising star not only on the team, but in the league and to a certain degree the state. There had been some early interest from the college recruiters. And then, without any warning it was over. POOF. Amazing, one minute you are riding high as a kit, the next the world is cold as hell.

None of us were prepared for the extent of the crash that followed over the next several weeks. Who I am I kidding? The fallout from that crash is still with us. Instead of getting away from drugs my son went further in. He was got stealing from a locker at school and was suspended right before Christmas of that year. Somehow that set the tone for the worst holiday season I ever want to experience.

For a variety of reasons, some of which I don't begin to understand my son entered a period where he ended most of his long time friendships. This hurt to watch as some of his friends had been around our house for years. I literally watched them grow up with my son and in many cases my wife and I love this young people. I miss seeing them and I hope they stay well.

This is a very painful time in many ways because graduation is this week. Soon all of the people my son has ever had any connection to will begin scattering about the country, going forward with their lives. The opportunity to heal any wounds may well already be lost. I learned this past week that there is a part of him that does not want to see these people go away, that it means something to know they are nearby. It's just that he can't find the words to come to them and tell them how much they mean to him.

The most rewarding aspect of the time at the center was that we worked on developing family attachment skills. Hopefully we all are in a better place in terms of developing healthy relationships.

The other really big thing we worked on was rage. Actually a good part of the time there was spent on rage in its various manifestations. Has anyone else ever gone through rage reduction therapy? I've never seen anything quite like i. I'm not sure how to describe it other than the goal is to find the source of whatever is causing the rage and then work to heal it. There is a lot of screaming, shouting and stuff flying around the room. Without a doubt this was some of the hardest work we need, though not as emotionally challening as the intimacy exercises.

All I can say right now is I have more hope than I have had in a long time. I've mentioned in other posts that I may be NPD and this week I start working, again, with a therapist. I have very mixed feelings about this. I admit my previous efforts have not gone as well as I might have hoped. I hope I've learned enough about myself that the chances of success will be much greater this time around.

This is a time of transition for our family and I hope we have the strength to make it through whatever might be waiting for us. Once again I offer my thanks for having a safe place in which to ramble and vent.

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athenathinks

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Re: Reflections ( 14:28:39 WedMay 28 2003 )

It's good to hear from you, Jimmie...I've been thinking about you and your family.

It is good to have safe, anonymous place to spill, isn't it? Especially where you won't be told your loved one is a lost cause, evil or inhuman. I'm with you on that one.

I know it's been hard to watch your son's life disintegrate. I imagine the hardest part is the helplessnes you've probably felt...once a child reaches adolescence, you can only do for them what they will allow, really. I'm pleased that he recognizes enough to be willing to try Evergreen.

I'm impressed with you, too, that you are willing to explore your own issues. While we can't help what others do, we can, if we try, help what we do - and if we can identify areas in need of change we have a good chance of realizing positive movement.

I have to grapple with me, too. I'm not sure what my problem is, but the scales have been falling from my eyes in some areas...not the least of which is to begin wondering why I've stayed, what has compelled me to turn a blind eye to all the "little" things before it got out of control. My tentative answer, and the answer to why I sometimes handle his "bad" behavior so badly, can be traced to my own upbringing. I grew up having to "look the other way", "turn the other cheek", "pretend this is not happening"...just eat it (another long story, another time). So I guess quiet suffering, periodic confrontations, then more quiet suffering are "normal" for me. Only the suffering ihas been getting less and less quiet.

Put us together - nitro-glycerine. Bad medicine in a pretty blue-glass bottle..Two damaged people who feed both the good beasts and the bad. If only all days could be "good" days.

It would be interesting to compare notes about how we "feed" the NPDers in our lives - in which ways we improve them and in which ways we (have) impact(ed) them for the worse. Whatever our own labels may be, we still have these people we love in our lives.

Let me know; we can do it here - up front in the posts, or by message. Whichever, if you are interested at all.

I meant that stuff about contribution to one's own "victimhood".

Athena

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jimmie

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Re: Reflections ( 02:33:26 ThuMay 29 2003 )

Thanks, I know all too well about the nitro-glycerine- bad medicine in the pretty package. For years my family was able to maintain the fancy packaging that covered what was really inside the container. When the walls started crumbling around us it felt as though it was all of the sudden-NO WARNING. Looking back that is not quite as true as I thought at the time. Geez, what an understatement. Wow, there were all kinds of warning signs. Like you I was raised in a family where we turned the other cheek, as was my wife. My parents told me there one regret in life was that they did not do something to stop some of what they knew was happening in our family. I don't want to live the rest of my life with the kind of pain they felt in their later years. Even more importantly I don't want my son to go through his entire life lost in pain and anger that he really doesn't understand.

I'm open to looking at my own victimhood and hopefully others are as well. Probably the best way to do it is right here in the forums. That will allow others to participate if they want. I'm not sure where to begin, there are so many options, sorry to say. I'll think about this and come back soon.

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CoolBlonde

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Re: Reflections ( 05:47:56 ThuMay 29 2003 )

Quote: athenathinks at 14:28:39 Wed May 28 2003

I meant that stuff about contribution to one's own victimhood.

Sorry to butt in here, but programs like AlAnon and CoDependents Anonymous are perfect for addressing issues like codependency and enabling. I was "well-trained" in both of these by MY victimizers, so I am quite familiar with these issues. Here is a link if you're interested:

http://www.codependents.org/newcom.html

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athenathinks

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Re: Reflections ( 15:27:28 FriMay 30 2003 )

Thanks, CB.

Must admit, I've thought in the past that "co-dependent" (like NPD is these days) was an over-used descriptor. However (also like NPD), as a theory it does have it's uses. At least in terms of co-dependents, one isn't finding them under every rock anymore. With any luck, the "over-diagnosis" of NPD will likewise decrease to realistic proportions in the near future.

I do appreciate your suggestion!

Athena

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