Maintaining self-respect with an NDP ( 21:24:01 MonMay 16 2005 ) |
I've done some really in depth emotional and healing work over the years and after 6 years of not truly given my heart to a man, I thought I was really ready for a relationship and finally did so. I thought I finally got a relationship right and was so happy in the beginning. I thought it was mutual or else I would not have given this guy my heart. There were a lot of "firsts": I was the first woman (he's 35) he loved. It's been 10 years since he introduced a girlfriend to him mother, and he introduced me. His friend's wife never met anyone he's dated in 5 years and we would all go out together. He told me I was the first woman he thought of having children with. He called me everyday and told me he loved me. We spent all our weekends together. At one point, he told me he thought I was too good for him, as I thought he was better than me. He was more financial successful and highly intellent. My strength was emotional and spiritual depth and awareness through all the work I've done. I slept with him too early and became blinded in seeing problems as his true self settled in.
After about 5 months of courtship and bliss, the work of a relationship began as no two people are perfect. At this point, slowly and surely his actions and words didn't always match. Being that my focus in communication is honesty, I was getting confused with all the mixed messages (nonverbal vs. verbal). I started losing my peace of mind. I was becoming real unhappy very fast. I asked my mentor (the wisest man I've ever known) for his help. Quickly he helped me uncover that I didn't have freedom in the relationship...I always spoke honestly but he was not interested in my hurts or feelings. To make a long story short, the ball was put in his court as our relationship was in trouble and I wanted to be cherished as I did him. In the last months, I started to argue with him all the time over this. I know without a doubt that he clearly new my intentions with him was to have a serious relationship and a family and that I was serious about him. I brought up at least 15 times in the end of our relationship of how I was in love with him and how much it hurt me to feel that he didn't care about me by his actions. I've cried, I've communicated how unhappy I was by his actions and pleaded that he just be honest with me or let me go if he was serious about me as I was about him. He never had much to say, and started pulling away.
The ball was in his court, and he finally ended the relationship stating it was the way I talked to him, it reminded him of his mother and he would never marry his mother. He also said we weren't that compatible and his needs weren't met. THis was the first time I was made aware of this. At that point, I realized he never showed me who he was, didn't put any effort into the relatinship, and felt cheated that he didn't even give me the opportunity to improve on what I did that bothered him. It was clearly one-sided.
That was it. He ended the relationship cold turkey. Furthermore, I was becoming good friends with his best friend's wife and I confided in her of my hurts. She asked me to meet her for lunch after he ended the relationship. After learning that she had plans to see me, he put so much pressure on her not to see me and she landed up telling him what I vented to her about my hurts. He went through great trouble to make sure he split us up. The girlfriend and I communicated as this was going on and he clearly lied to her and me manipulating the situation, attempting to turn us against each other. It amazed me how much work he did to get his way. I put the pieces together and he has this great image he works hard at, and I was a threat as I was seeing him for who he really was...which was much different from the image.
A couple weeks after he broke up, I found out I was pregnant with his child. I've decided to keep this child. However, the next few months was one of the lowest periods of my life. I was devastated and made attempts to contact him, even once maturely asking for a mature conversation as I've never had a relationship end in such a way and I was asking for closure as this has been very upsetting to me. He didn't respond.
After a lot of support from friends over a couple months, I worked on getting my strength. I told him about the pregnancy a couple months after the breakup.
Initially he told me that it's what he's always wanted and would be there for me. That he can't be a good mate, but always thought he'd be a good father. Within 24 hours of me telling him, he told me he misrepresented how much money he made and makes significantly less. I started a business and am not financially stable at this point, but told me I will need to look at working. This hurt me, another insensitive lie. It's to the point for me that when he says something, more than likely the opposite is true. I feel like he's a big phoney. The relationship was all a lie.
The next day I landed up speaking my truth for an hour about all the hurts and how hard everything has been for me, and that essentially I am no longer his victim. I blasted him with the truth of calling things for what they were (not believing all his manipulations) and what that he was never real with me. I guess I felt insulted and had it when he said he was going to be there for me during the pregnancy...I just didn't get how he could be there for me if he never was before. I didn't want to be disappointed and hurt anymore. It feels good to have boundaries and take care of myself.
After reading your site, I've learned how my reactions to him make him run. I am a very honest person. I've learned my lesson and now get very insulted when he plays the games with me and plays me for a fool.
Since I have told him about the pregnancy, he's admitted to "not liking me or any girl very much", "I am no different than any other girl he's dated", and when asked why he never got honest with me when I confronted him 15 times about not being into me by his actions, he said "he was thinking he could fall in love with me one day". In attempts to heal I've written him a gut wrenching email of how his dishonesty and lack of interest in my feelings has caused me great pain. And that although I'm not happy about the realities, I am pleased to have finally gotten the honesty and closure I needed to hear for quite some time and am now able to move forward. He's never shown any remorse or apolgies over his actions...ever. After putting myself out there with my feeling in attempt to heal the pain between us, he doesn't even bother to respond to this email. (He did a reply to that email with an unrelated message to me so I know he's received it.) As an NDP, what do you think is going on with him when I share my feelings (which I know I do at a deep level)? I can't understand why he cannot even take the effort to respond! THe lack of empathy is something so hard for me to understand.
I actually had hope we could get back together and have a family. However, I'm happy to say that I've let go of this man, I wouldn't want to be with someone who cares so little about me. I am concerned over the rage inside of him (he goes into the silent treatment) as I've brought out to the open all the areas that he's defective in. I know I've blasted him with the truth very good. Although I feel I've need to do this for my own healing, I know him well enough that he's in a rage over not being looked upon as if he's a king. It's so hard to deal with him, and after all the disrespect I had, I really don't think highly of him anymore. If you treat him any differently, he cuts you out or the other person pays a high price. He gets what his way no matter what. (He's demonstrated this by cutting off his mother, sister, neices, nephews, friends, and neighbors.) I'm concerned because I'll need to deal with him over the next 18+ years. Do you have any good advice on how to deal with an NDP once the injury has been inflicted & the damage has been done? Without being a doormat, could you please give some advise on how to deal effectively with him while his actions are so disrespectful?
He wants me to trust him (he really believes he's trustworthy) and keep the child support and agreement out of the courts and negotiate between ourselves. He's the last person I can trust and I've never gotten the respect from him, and I just don't get how we can communicate without these elements. I am thinking of getting a lawyer to handle my affairs because I don't want to be getting upset as I'm pregnant. Being an NDP, my feeling is that he'll silently rage over this and I will try to make my life miserable. Do you have any feedback on this?