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FilKiFan  01:37:27 Mon Feb 23 2004 Offline 1767 posts Administrator Geek Around Town  Mood Now:  Post Mood:  Reply |
I'm the worst writer since, uh, since me. :P
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AshWink15 01:43:17 Mon Feb 23 2004 Offline 1363 posts Administrator Insane Writer/Actress  Mood Now:  Post Mood:  Reply |
LOL. You should try harder
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Rufus3000 02:25:39 Sat Feb 28 2004 Offline 7 posts Newbie Mood Now:  Post Mood:  Reply |
I promised. So here is Chapter 5.
Chapter 5: Trip to Mississippi (Culture Referance: Dr. Zaruda refers to "Naked Genius." And Monique's last name is not Welsh.) Kim: Thanks for the lift Dr. Zaruda. Zaruda: After the time when you saved Project Phebis, it would be a pleasure and a honor. Kim: No big, but thank god Rufus got zapped. I couldn't save Ron without it. Zaruda: Speaking of which, where is he. Kim: He's got a date with Zita Flores. Zaruda: But I thought you were his girlfriend. Kim: He broke up with me. Monique: Man. That's one funky toilet. Zaruda: And who is that? Monique: I'm Monique. Monique Welsh. Zaruda: Okay... Drakken asking for your help. This is a cornucorpia of disasters. Kim: No duh. Zaruda: We're here. Kim. Monique. Good luck. Kim and Monique: Thanks. Kim and Monique walked into Drakken's lair. Drakken: Ah... Kim Possible. Kim: Drakken. Monique: Ouchiez! Kim stared at Monique's arm, staring at her blood. Drakken: Let's get this straight. Kim: You know what! Why am I even helping you! I'm leaving. Drakken: I'll get Ron to like you again if you help me. Kim: I want Ron to love me for who I am, not evil gadgets. Drakken: There are no evil gadgets involved. Pure natrual love. Kim: Hm... Monique: She said "Hm..." Drakken: NO DUH! Kim: Fine. I'll help you. But NO tricks. Drakken: ALRIGHT! Kim: What do you need help with? Drakken: Shego. Kim and Monique stared at Drakken. Scaredly. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Enjoy! | ||||
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Atomic_Boy4000 15:39:25 Sat Feb 28 2004 Offline 14 posts Newbie Reply |
Great story, Rufus3000. Spelling errors here and there though. Also, Rufusprimedude should try harder on the chapters.
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Rufus3000 01:46:50 Wed Mar 3 2004 Offline 7 posts Newbie Mood Now: Post Mood: Reply |
Thanks AT4000. Update. Sorry for the wait too.
Chapter 6: Shego and Monkey Fist? Kim: Uh Drakken... Is there something wrong with you? Drakken: NO! You guys won't believe me, but Shego and Monkey Fist are a couple. Kim: I trust you. Monique: Girl... are you drunk or something? Drakken: I'm with you on this one, Eliza. Monique: IT'S MONIQUE! Drakken: Whatever. Kim: No. I am not drunk. That bastard Monkey Fist dropped a banana peel, and I slipped on it. Drakken: How's that proof? Kim: And Monkey fist had an I love you, Shego shirt on. Drakken: I love shego shirt? Kim: Don't ask. I would help you, but... Drakken: BUT WHAT?! I want to win Shego's heart! Kim: Besides you annoying me, I have my own problems right now. Drakken: Nerdy sidekick that you have a crush on is dating a girl you hate? Kim: How do you know? Drakken: Obvious. Look. How about we make a deal? You tell me a word I forgot, and... Kim: How can I tell you a word that I forget? Drakken: Anyhoo, if you do that, I'll help you win your best friends heart. Kim: Fine. Describe what that word is like. Drakken: Trying to be better at something, or to do soemthing great, and that person won't get angry at you. Kim: That's easy. Impress. Drakken: Damn. I forgot. Okay... thanks for the advice. I guess I'll help you with your Ron problem. Then a big smile came on Kim's face. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Next Chapter will be up soon. Until then, enjoy! | ||||
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Philip_Kippel 02:04:23 Thu Mar 4 2004 Offline 1099 posts Supreme Member Reply |
The story is going good so far. Keep going.
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Chronic_Girl 03:12:49 Thu Mar 4 2004 Offline 565 posts Advanced Member  Mood Now:  Post Mood:  Reply |
1. Horrid grammar and spelling. Proofread these before you actually post them.
2. The story is completely rushed. It's like, "and i went to the store, and then a fire started, and then i had to help clean my brothers room, and i have to get ready for my date tonight" kind of stuff. 3. Describe things. Go into full detail. I'm not talking about "Moby Dick" full detail, but describe the scene and what's going on. 4. Everyone is out of character: --Ron is quiet, hardly ever in the picture and has yet to act funny. --Kim is acting completely out of whack. She's just...blah. --Monique isn't as bad, but you still need to work on her. --Zita is a complete b*tch. I know you don't like her, but jeez, get her character right. Besides, Ron, Kim and Monique only met her not long ago and if I read correctly, you said something about them knowing her for a period longer than that...and really, I'm sure that Zita isn't a b*tch like that. --Drakken feels completely rushed. "Oh, suddenly, I'm okay with asking Kim for help. Oh, and I love Shego, too!" Come on. --Shego--what a load of cr*p. I just really don't have anything to say about her. --And lastly, I have to say that Wade is on this list too. He's not the slightest bit cautious about what's going on and that line about "What's wrong, KP? Are you upset that Ron won't be your boyfriend?" filled me with rage. That's like asking "What's wrong, KP? Are you upset at the fact that the college party you went to a few weeks ago led you to getting drunk and sleeping with a 23-year-old crossdresser by the name of Roberto and now you're 4 and a half weeks pregnant and are afraid to tell your parents? Is that what's bothering you?" GEEZ! Follow my simple instructions and we'll talk. And "scaredly" isn't even a word. What grade are you in, because unless it's lower than 6th grade, you should be ashamed. | ||||
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Rufus3000 21:28:54 Thu Mar 4 2004 Offline 7 posts Newbie Mood Now: Post Mood: Reply |
1. Shut up.
2. I'm having a bad day, so leave me alone. 3. THIS IS NOT MY STORY! 4. This is a fic. This is not real. Either is Kim, Ron, Rufus, Wade, Drakken, Shego, Monkey Fist, Gill, etc. Characters are allowed to be like other people. 5. Don't p*ss me off. Understand, Chronic? | ||||
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Rufus3000 21:31:50 Thu Mar 4 2004 Offline 7 posts Newbie Mood Now: Post Mood: Reply |
And 6., duh. Rufusprimedude is in 6th grade. I'm letting him on my username so he can type the story because he didn't like the way I did Chapter 1.
7. Rufusprimedude promised me he wouldn't be on my username forever. 8. He olny used my username in this story, that's it. I swear. 9. LEAVE ME ALONE! 10. Thanks for the comment, Philip. Even though I didn't do it. | ||||
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FilKiFan 22:35:38 Thu Mar 4 2004 Offline 1767 posts Administrator Geek Around Town Mood Now: Post Mood: Reply |
Chapter 1 was better. And Rufus, this is constructive critcism, not attacking. Skid was just trying to help. And you are having a bad day, so I understand.
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Chronic_Girl 00:07:45 Fri Mar 5 2004 Offline 565 posts Advanced Member Mood Now: Post Mood: Reply |
1) I'm trying to help you. Don't be a jerk just because you have the English skills of an illegal immigrant. 2) That's no justification for taking it out on me. 3) Then tell Rufusprimedude that he's a poor writer. If you've given him access to your account, surely you can let him know this. 4) A good story keeps everyone in character, or at least believable in a certain situation. 5) Was that a threat? 6) Tell him that he's not doing any better. 7) What does that have to do with anything? 8) Shut up about him. Who even brought that up? 9) What the heck is wrong with you? I wasn't attacking you with that earlier post. You take things way out of hand. 10) I see. You only accept things if they're praising your every move. Well, I tell ya, try to help someone out and all I get is spit in the face. 11) Don't take your PMSing out on me, pal. | ||||||
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Fa_Zhou 05:44:40 Fri Mar 5 2004 Offline 220 posts Advanced Member Reply |
Hey Rufus, e-mail me and I'll give ya some tips. And you don't have to be afraid I'm going to try to crush your spirit.
 mynotes4u@yahoo.com | ||||
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Philip_Kippel 21:04:05 Sun Mar 14 2004 Offline 1099 posts Supreme Member Reply |
Hey, Rufus3000, when are you going to post the rest of "Love is Sweet"?
I wanna read it and see what happens very, very much. | ||||
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Rufus3000 21:13:59 Sun Mar 14 2004 Offline 7 posts Newbie Mood Now: Post Mood:  Reply |
Sorry that I didn't update for 11 days. Oh well. Here is the next chapter.
Chapter 7: Kim, Monique, and Drakken? A team? Ron Stoppable was walking down the cold and muggy street. He was trying to get home the fastest way as possible. Suddenly, he saw a figure. Ron tried to see the figure closer, but he couldn't. So he walked towards it. The figure bent down, looking like it could hide. He tried to concentrate, but he was dazzeled because he had the most romantic night with Zita. As he got closer, the figure wasn't so shadowy any more. The figure was blue. Ron: DRAKKEN? Drakken: Oh... hello Buffoon. Have you seen Kim and Monique around? Ron: Why would I tell you? Drakken: I am trying to help Kim out with something. Ron: What are you talking about? You hate Kim. Drakken: No I don't. Monique: Sorry we were late Drak. The store ran out of blueprint paper... Kim: ...So I used the kimmunicator to make some. Ron: Uh Kim. May I talk to you privately? Kim: Sure... Ron pulled Kim about 5 steps away, and stared at Kim with a look of confusion. Ron: Kim... Drakken is evil, right? Kim: Wrong. He's helping me with something. So is Monique. Ron: Oh my god... You 3 are a... team? Kim: Duh... Ron: How come I don't know about this earlier? Kim: You were with Zita. Ron: So if I went on the mission on you, I would have to work with blue boy? Kim: No. Ron: Okaaaaay. I am confused. What are you 3 even working on? Kim: Nothing that should make you be concerned. Ron: KP. You have been acting strange for the past few days... Kim: So did you. Actually, you've been weird since we broke up. Ron: I have? Kim: Yeeeeah. You were like all sad and stuff like that. Ron: Well... but... damn. I am sooooo confused. Without another word, Ron walked away. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ There you go! Another chapter done. | ||||
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Philip_Kippel 21:50:39 Sun Mar 14 2004 Offline 1099 posts Supreme Member Reply |
Thanks, Rufus. Please post the next chapter ASAP.
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Rufus3000 22:12:48 Sun Mar 14 2004 Offline 7 posts Newbie Mood Now: Post Mood: Reply |
I'll try. OH YEAH! I just joined diaryland.com
If you want a peeky, here is my link. http://rufus4000.diaryland.com Username: rufus4000 Password: 831637 | ||||
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FilKiFan 22:19:27 Sun Mar 14 2004 Offline 1767 posts Administrator Geek Around Town Mood Now: Post Mood: Reply |
Your journal isin't password protected, so you gave away your private info. That's a bad thing to do. Delete it quickly.
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Rufus3000 23:19:10 Mon Mar 15 2004 Offline 7 posts Newbie Mood Now: Post Mood: Reply |
Actually, I put the lock on there, so it's not a problem.
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Rufus3000 23:33:40 Mon Mar 15 2004 Offline 7 posts Newbie Mood Now: Post Mood: Reply |
Philip told me to hurry ASAP, so here I go.
Chapter 8: An Idea? Monique: Girl, what was that all about? Kim: Long story. Monique: We're not going anywhe... Drakken: I HAVE AN IDEA! Kim: Spill! Drakken: We zap Zita with a beam that will make her dissapear every... Kim: NEXT! Monique: We could move her family! Or keep them on vacation and they'll never return. Kim: Seriously, how could we do that? The second one? Monique: Simple. Drakken: Yes... I see what's going on here. We try to contact Zita's parent's travel agents to send them out, and Ron is yours. Kim: That's crazy... so crazy... it could work. ~~2 days later~~ Kim: Great idea Monique. Maybe you should let the mad scientist do the plots. Monique: How was I supposed to know that Jackie Chan's cousin was the travel agent, and he would recognize Zita's family only? Kim: The second one was obvious. Monique: Fine. Let the mad man do it. Damn, you think Ron's life is like an open book, thinking that you could win his heart. Ron's lovie is a tight as a lock on a diary. Drakken: Diary... hm... this gives me an idea... Monique: If it's my diary, hell no. Drakken: No no no. We could find out some of Zita's weaknesses in her diary. Monique: Great idea. But one problem. Drakken: What? Monique: Who will do it? The only time we can sneak in is tom., but everyone in the school will be at the bowling party tom. Kim: True... But I know one team who can help us? Drakken: Who? Kim: Team go. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Next chapter, Kim will perform at the bowling party. The song that she sings is a song I made up. | ||||
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FilKiFan 00:07:51 Tue Mar 16 2004 Offline 1767 posts Administrator Geek Around Town Mood Now: Post Mood: Reply |
bowling...
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Rufus3000 01:19:49 Tue Mar 16 2004 Offline 7 posts Newbie Mood Now: Post Mood: Reply |
Yes... bowling. BTW, Chapter 1 of 'Blush, MY WAY!' is up in my diary. The info. is already posted.
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Rufus3000 02:08:51 Tue Mar 16 2004 Offline 7 posts Newbie Mood Now: Post Mood: Reply |
Chapter 9: Team Go
Hego: Let me get this straight. Kim want us to find out something about Zita that would blow her chance with Ron? Jim: Exactly. Hego: And why did Kim's midget brother call us? Jim: 1. I am not a midget. 2. Kim's at a bowling party, and this would be the perfect oppurtunity. Hego: Well, we still need to repay Kim... why not. We're on it. Jim hang up. Tim: Hicca bicca boo? Jim: Hoo-sha. ~~ At the bowling party.~~ DJ Z: Okay people. Continue bowling, and Kim Possible will sing a song called "Anytime you need a friend." The song started, but Ron didn't feel so loyal at the time. Kim (Singing): 1,2,3 go! You had the trouble that I can help you with. It's a boyfriend girlfriend scenario. Only a friend can help you with your hurted heart, I will never depart... from you... YEAH YEAH... Anytime you need a friend I'll be there To help you Anytime anywhere Anytime you need a friend Once again You are in the big bad dark But let me tell you something you should know This time between us could start a love spark You kissed me, dissed me, and galore If you hate me Walk out of the door I don't care about your clothes or you Cuz now I know the truth Don't try to impress me, kiss me, or even make a parade I don't need you. I didn't know my best friend could serenade me... yeah... Anytime you need a friend I'll be there To help you Anytime Anywhere Anytime you need a friend Trust me Believe me And be anywhere you can be I couldn't really notice you till now Just like some I love But I don't know how... YEAH YEAH YEAH!!!!!!! Anytime you need a friend I'll be there To help you Anytime Anywhere Anytime you need a friend ANYTIME you need a friend I'll be there To help you Anytime Anywhere Anytime you need a... friend... I'll be there... The crowd clapped and screamed. ~~Meanwhile.~~ Wego1&2: Nothing good... OH MY GOD! mego: What? Wego1: Read this. Hego: I only like Ron because... HOLY GUACOMOLE! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ R&R. | ||||
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SonicElectronic 09:15:16 Tue Mar 16 2004 Offline 216 posts Administrator  Reply |
I mean, dude, if you post your story, expect and ACCEPT CONSTRUCTIVE critisisim (don't know that word? Please look it up in the dictionary :3). Chronic Girl wasn't attacking you, that other dude or the story, you can plainly tell this beause she told you things in detail that you can do to IMPROVE the story to make it more enjoyable for everyone (if you heed her advice and apply it to the story, I'm sure you'll find a much improved story that you'llt ake pride in having written!)~ You should be thankful to her that she actually stepped up and mentioned this to you (most people wouldn't); what you ought to do is take her critique into thought and use it to better your story ^--^
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FilKiFan 13:17:23 Tue Mar 16 2004 Offline 1767 posts Administrator Geek Around Town Mood Now: Post Mood: Reply |
Haha, he won't read that, I've tried, trust me. He always has an excuse for it, and won't even take the critisicm. I was like that, trust me, because skid (Chronic) looked at my story a few times too, and it flatout sucked. She knew that, but me being ignorant I didn't accept it. I did after a while, realize how much my story did suck so if you don't accept it, no one will want to read the story. Also, try to make the story have at least ONE sub-plot that's NOT shippy. It takes away from the story.
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Rufus3000 22:45:53 Tue Mar 16 2004 Offline 7 posts Newbie Mood Now: Post Mood:  Reply |
Chapter 10: Zita's Dark Secret
Mego: Whoa... I never knew Zita was that low. Hego: I know. Come on. We have to find Team KMD (Kim Monique Drakken.) ~~At the bowling ally.~~ Zita: Wow... Kim was good. Ron: Yeah... good. Gotta go... Zita: Ron... you can't... But before Zita could finish anything, Ron left into the stormy night. Kim: Hey Zita. Where's your boyfriend? Zita: For some reason, he just left crying. Kim: What? What happened? Ron: I heard him mumble to himself that he hasn't been the best friend yet or something like that. Zita: RON! Your back... Ron: Yeah yeah. Kim, I would like to apologize about ignoring you. Kim: There's only one thing I can say. Everytime you say that, you always do something bad back like keep on going head over heels for a girl. So, I now know something. I don't want you in my life. Ron: But Kim... Kim: No buts. So just... leave me alone. Ron: Kim. Please don't... SLAM! Zita: How rude. She just slammed the door on you. Ron: Huh... I guess I deserve it... Seeyah tom. Z. I got to go cry my tears away. Zita: Whatever. Night Ron. Ron: Yeah, night. Zita kissed Ron, and went back to the bowling ally. ~~Meanwhile~~ Hego: Hey Kim. What's with the sad face? Kim: I just told Ron that... Drakken: ...she never wants him to be in her life again. Kim: How do you know? Drakken: I... well.... heard the whole thing. Monique: Me too. Hego: Yeah... anyways, we found your dirt. Kim: Spill. Mego: You might not believe us, but Zita only loves Ron because.... he is good at Everlot. Kim, Drakken, and Monique: WHAT?! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Next chapter coming tom. | ||||
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