Things Single Men should do:

Things Single Men should do:
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houde2k1
17:09:15 Mon
Aug 15 2005

Critiqued by the one and only Houde

Any girl who’s at your place for dinner (or lounging in your bed come morning) deserves a classier send-off than “see ya,” so trade in your college-days $20 coffee maker for a machine that’ll give Starbucks a run for its money. The professional-quality Delonghi “Caffe Figaro” Coffee/Espresso Machine ($230, macys.com) uses steam pressure to brew a superior espresso; the built-in milk frother allows her to request a latte or cappuccino. Toss in a $20 electric grinder — fresh grounds are a must for a quality caffeine fix — and you'll make her feel like a princess without breaking out the whole breakfast-in-bed shtick.

Great, so all of a sudden, I'm made of money. I got 250 bucks for all this stuff, never mind the coffee beans, because Dunkin's probably won't cut it. You know what, I'll jet out early in the morning, and buy her the damn cappicino.

Oh, if this girl slept over, I think the last thing on her mind will be the coffee maker I got.

2. A lamp in your bedroom
Raise your hand if the only source of light in your bedroom is that garish overhead fixture that was there when you first moved in. Now, all of you, go out and buy a bedside lamp with a fabric shade. This inexpensive trifle is not lost on women, who not only see it as a sign of your civility (imagine that, a light switch within arm’s reach vs. across the room!), she’ll also feel much more comfortable under its softer, more forgiving glow. (Ikea.com has a large selection in the $10 to $40 range that should satisfy any man’s tastes without siphoning his savings.)

So now they are telling me I can save money. You wanted me to shell out 250 odd bucks on the coffee maker but buy a cheap lamp?

I can see it now, "No, seriously babe, you want to check out my lamp. Come back! No, I'm not related to the Continental, why do you ask?"

3. Swiffer Sweeper + Swiffer Cloths + Swiffer Wet Cloths
For her, walking across your floor barefoot should not be an exercise in muck tolerance. To that end, the Swiffer is the greatest thing to happen to the lazy man since the remote control. As simple as this cloth-on-a-stick looks, the electrostatically charged sheets suck up dust, hair and dirt in no time, and the Wet Cloths will make quick work of your bathroom floor—a necessity if you ever want her to visit again.

Ok, I can't critique this, but this person keeps mentioning a point over and over again.

Women come over more than once?

4. A comfortable couch
Repeat after me: You do not need a black leather couch. Skip the cliché and pick out a plush upholstered sofa, like the simple, elegant, under $1,000 Mercer at Roomandboard.com. And no matter what style you buy, play it safe and pick a neutral or muted color, then purchase a couple of pillows with stripes or a bold, masculine pattern to jazz it up and prove you aren’t your average lug when it comes to home décor.

I'd rather have the comfortable bed

:rimshot:

5. Nice underwear
When it comes to your love life, the last thing you want is for your underwear to be a mood-killer, and trust me, the following selections will make her recoil: Tighty whities; underwear featuring cartoon characters, or anything that resembles what a woman would wear. (Bikini briefs? Heaven help you.) Even silk boxers, no matter how nice, can send a sleazy vibe, so stick with something basic, like Calvin Klein cotton boxers or boxer briefs. Splurge on at least two weeks' worth and throw out the others, lest you’re tempted to don a ratty pair and put off doing laundry—you never know when opportunity will strike.

You see, the only reason she'll see these is if you got that new lamp from above with it's comforting glow. If you skipped number 2, who needs the new underwear.

Anyways, the silk boxers feel real good against my soft skin.

6. A key-ring that can fix, cut, and open anything
Sure, your power-tool collection is outstanding—but it'll do you no good sitting in your closet when your date's sunglasses come apart at the restaurant. Show off how useful you can be by whipping out the tiny-but-powerful Leatherman Micra key-ring (leatherman.com). The two-and-a-half-inch, 1.75-ounce stainless-steel multi-tool combines scissors, tweezers, nail file, ruler, bottle opener, three screwdrivers, and a blade (of course). You’ll be amazed how indispensable it (and you, by extension) will become to her.

Are you being serious?

Are you?

Your struggling now, aren't you?

7. $150+ jeans
Why cough up that much dough when you can find a seemingly-fine pair for much less? Because designer denim does make a difference—and you can wear them everywhere from a dive bar to a five-star restaurant, if paired with the right shirt and suit jacket. Check out stores that carry Diesel, Evisu, Paper Denim & Cloth, or Seven. Since every pair of jeans fits differently, you will need to try a few on: Err on the side of too tight as opposed to too baggy, as jeans do stretch a bit as they are broken in. Choose a pair that isn't too trendy (warning signs include more than five pockets, garish stitching, and too much "distress," like rips or bleaching) unless you're willing to buy into next season's style as well.

*Shakes head*

Save money so you can spend it on super expensive jeans that no matter what, you cannot wear to a five star restaurant. Like she'll take you seriously.

Oh yeah, Dockers are so much better because my jingleberries like circulation, thank you very much.

8. $200+ dress shoes
Accept it: Girls are into footwear, and your feet will be one of the first things she looks at. Invest in quality black leather tie-ups — which will never go out of fashion and will match with most any jeans, pants or suit — to make a great first impression every time. If she knows her shoes, she'll be hoping to find you could afford a pair of Bruno Magli, Kenneth Cole, Steve Madden, or John Varvatos. Sure, they’re not cheap, but hey, it could be worse: We could be the ones in heels.

If a women doesn't date you because of your shoes, she deserves to be shot.

Men don't value shoes, a majority of them. Just so you know, we hardly notice your feet. HARDLY!

The insensitive pricks are more likely staring at your cleavage, or those sensitive ones are staring at your eyes. Both of which are much more beautiful than your feet.

9. 300-thread-count cotton sheets
Let’s face it: You (and hopefully your date) will be spending a lot of quality time here. So skip the scratchy polyester blends and splurge on some 100-percent Egyptian cotton sheets with a thread count of 300—the higher the thread count, the softer the sheet. It’ll run you around $120 for a queen-size set (for a good selection, check out bedbathandbeyond.com), but anything that might keep her in bed longer is worth the expense, right?

Ok, my guilty pleasure, 450 thread count sheets. So, I agree here.

10. The Joy of Cooking
Few things are sexier than a guy who can cook... but if toasting Pop-Tarts is the extent of your expertise? Then get Joy, the bible of all cookbooks since, unlike its trendier, more specialized alternatives like Nigella Lawson or Rocco DiSpirito, it contains recipes for just about anything you could think to make, all laid out with instructions that even an alien from another planet could figure out. So go ahead, invite her over for something simple (vegetarian chili, for instance) or exotic (Chicken Kiev, anyone?) and learn that the way to a woman’s heart is through her stomach, too.

I love to bake, not cook, but I know me some dishes. If your constantly cooking for your women though, stop, make her pick up the spatula, and show her how to do it. It leads to alot of contact, and loads of fun.

And that one was for free.

houde2k1
17:14:51 Mon
Aug 15 2005