Beat This Caption!
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06:34:10 Sun
Dec 15 2002
Beat This Caption!
If you've ever read Maxim magazine, you've probably noticed the "Beat This Caption" contest where an odd picture and caption are presented. So, we're going to have our own contest, starting with every captioned picture in the 3E DMG.

p. 9: "Krusk could've just walked around the arch, but he thought beholders feared wood."

p. 15: "Dammit, Mialee, the map is NOT a coaster."

p. 16: "You want us to use your designs? You can't even dress yourself. Come back when you stop wearing cast-iron hunchbacks."

p. 23: "He had been called 'spinach head' for the last time."

p. 28: "What people spun with their finger before basketballs were invented."

p. 29: "Mom still doesn't let him out of the house without a scarf."

p. 32: "The short, pudgy villain PrC."

p. 33: "He would show them all the superiority of brass armor."

p. 34: "First she would research the mysterious 'brassiere,' then delve into the secret of 'slimming' clothes."

p. 36: "Gimme an A! Gimme an R! Gimme a T..."

p. 39: "Yes, officer, its him. Its the one in the middle..."

p. 60: "Let me take you to the Y! M! C-A!"

p. 66: "As the griffon plummeted, he realized he was squeezing a little too hard with his legs."

p. 74: "This is your Mind Flayer."

p. 75: "This, is your Mind Flayer on drugs."

p. 78: "Jozan's Summon Jawas spell goes horribly awry."

p. 82: "Tentacles... Bolts of pink energy... It's hentai time."

p. 92: "Great! I've got a bard and a monk for teammates, and my back is on fire."

p. 99: "The 'Big Rocks Are Overpowered' thread on the WoTC boards soon reached 15 pages."

p. 103: "From that day forward, the mage stayed in the back of the party."

p. 105: "Kibbles and bits... Kibbles and bits... we're gonna get us some..."

p. 114: "After punching the metal door really hard. Alhandra remembered that she was never known as the smart one."

p. 116: "The Search DC to figure out that's a trap is 5."

p. 143: "Mialee and Lidda play 'Scowl at the barmaid'."

p. 145: "Everyone chuckled as Mialee stepped on her cloak and did a faceplant."

p. 148: "If you'd been Polymorphed into that, you wouldn't like wizards either."

p. 159: "The soldiers had been thoroughly drilled to 'aim for the ones dressed like weirdos.'"

p. 162: "The name's Ash, housewares."

p. 168: "After the adrenaline rush wore off, Ember really had to wonder how they'd gotten up there."

p. 174: "The Destroy Floor spell was edited out after playtesting."

p. 182: "The Fantastic Four shall perish!"

p. 183: "This shield is great except for weighing 80 pounds."

p. 186: "Lucas considered this weapon, before settling on the Light Saber."

p. 190: "Nothing says 18 INT like letting your potions spill all over the place."

p. 193: "An aarakokra wedding band."

p. 196: "Devis retired from adventuring and developed magical exercise equipment, eventually abandonning this design for the easier to use 'Stairmaster.'"

p. 199: "Mialee's early attempts at a Tame Hair spell met with failure."

p. 205: "Princess Leia went through an odd phase later in life."

p. 207: "Among the most perilous sexually transmitted diseases among tinker gnomes..."

p. 225: "Hey! What're YOU lookin' at?"

p. 244: "As he prepared the Potion of Endure Elements (Cold), he once again wondered whether he should just wear a shirt."

So, if you can beat these captions, or add ones that I missed, you will win... NOTHING! And lots of it! After you've enjoyed your nothing, you get to spend a romantic evening with... yourself! At YOUR house!

This contest brought to you by: :spam:

Ivellios Nailo
16:27:39 Sun
Dec 15 2002
Re: Beat This Caption!
p. 78: I'm telling you, I'm not a new type of 'droid! It's called armor!

p. 99: Tordek always looked both ways before crossing the street...

19:38:01 Sun
Dec 15 2002
Re: Beat This Caption!
Pg. 227: The compiled errata.

23:41:47 Thu
Jan 2 2003
Re: Beat This Caption!
P. 92

"It was by far the worst case of hemorrhoid flare-up Kursk had ever experienced.


03:27:23 Fri
Jan 10 2003
Re: Beat This Caption!
Pg 70...

"It's fun to stay at the... Y. M. C. A!..." :evil:

03:21:51 Sat
Jan 11 2003
Re: Beat This Caption!

Pg. 143:

Little did the bold adventuring group know that they were about to get their butts kicked by a woman with biceps 5 times as big as her head.


01:41:35 Wed
Jan 15 2003
Re: Beat This Caption!
Nothing like rehashing a good joke... :grin:

If you would like to see the picture on page 70 in action, check this link HERE! :evil:

01:59:14 Wed
Jan 15 2003
Re: Beat This Caption!
Good lord! I never knew Skeletor was :freakedout:


03:26:06 Wed
Jan 15 2003
Re: Beat This Caption!
The '80's was just so... questionable.

The '70's was just bad, but the designers new exactly what they were pumping into the minds of young children during the '80's...

Of course, the parents of most '80's children were '60's liberalist hippies, so they didn't much care - even if they did get it...

Thank your lucky stars you just missed it (I think...) Ivellios. You might be able to live a normal life...

06:07:12 Wed
Jan 15 2003
Re: Beat This Caption!
Hey hey hey now. Don't go dissing on my treasured eighties! I wouldn't be the man I am today if not for Thundercats, GI-Joe, the Smurfs, He-Man, Knight Rider, etc etc etc, let alone the magical effects of Star Wars, huge bangs, the color hot pink, high top sneakers, Michael Jackson and The Neverending Story! The list of the Eighties virtues is as long's really darn long!

I pity the fool that messes with my Eighties!


Rob K.
08:21:19 Wed
Jan 15 2003
Re: Beat This Caption!
Quote: Da'_Vane at 01:41:35 Wed Jan 15 2003

Nothing like rehashing a good joke... :grin:

If you would like to see the picture on page 70 in action, check this link HERE! :evil:
What language is that, anyway, Chinese? And if so, why?:freakedout:

08:36:45 Wed
Jan 15 2003
Re: Beat This Caption!
I beleive that it is Cantonese, although I could be wrong, as all of my knowledge of cantonese comes from jet li movies.

And as to why, like most inexplicably amusing things, it is all womblehunter's fault.

Ivellios Nailo
04:03:55 Thu
Jan 16 2003
Re: Beat This Caption!
Quote: Da'_Vane at 03:26:06 Wed Jan 15 2003

Thank your lucky stars you just missed it (I think...) Ivellios. You might be able to live a normal life...

Born 4 months before the end of the 80's, so I pretty much missed it. As for living a normal life, that's out of the question.

18:06:49 Thu
Jan 16 2003
Re: Beat This Caption!
Oh, how I envy you, :usa: , to have managed to survive the 80's without the dubious virtues of Rainbow, Mr. Benn, and the Magic Roundabout.

While you got a childhood full of action and big bangs, us :british: got grown men dressing up in closets, little puppies that run around like crazy looking for 'sugar' and more pink than you imagine...

Yes, folks, the '80's were indeed 'questionable', and like good little children who didn't know better, we absorbed it all and asked for more...

We still do, but atleast we know what the propaganda is all about now... :evil:

00:00:24 Fri
Jan 17 2003
Re: Beat This Caption!
I found these in a file on my computer while I was making room on my harddrive. Figured they were on topic...

BTW - Ivellios, I like your sig line. I think I agree.



Page 7: The DM wasn’t very creative, but he figured if he moved Africa over a little bit, the players wouldn’t be able to tell.

Page 9: “Axe?! What axe?”

Page 11: What dice are supposed to look like.

Page 15: Disguised as a mouse, the BBEG heard every word.

Page 16: Potential problems associated with building a castle: Rocks falling from buckets, sliding down ramps backwards, and punching holes in your blueprints because you haven’t built a table yet.

Page 19: “This is the last time I let my friends set me up on a blind date.”

Page 21: Drow live underground and wear leather. Wood Elves live in trees and wear metal. Wild Elves haven’t learned to trade.

Page 23: “Let’s see… Uh… Emergency supplies: stick, sword, candle, knife, can of beer. OK… I’m ready!”

Page 28: “Bow of Omens! Give me Sight beyond sight!”

Page 29: The Baron’s head fell to the ground and shattered. “Curses!” he shouted. “Another statue!”

Page 32: Though his skull lay in the villains hands, the Halfling died with satisfaction. It would be days before the Blackguard realized one of his precious skulls was upside down.

Page 33: Tordek’s father wasn’t really a defender, but the old family toboggan really made him look the part.

Page 34: Before reading up for her journey, the loremaster spent days researching a way to protect her scrolls from getting wet.

Page 36: Unsatisfied with only one sleeve and lack of pants, the shadowdancer eviscerated her tailor.

Page 39: The aristocrat realized he was out of place in a medieval European setting.

Page 59: We can only imagine what dragons’ books on human physiology look like.

Page 60: Alhandra, the only trained fighter there, took a moment to ask herself why she was last in line – again.

Page 61: The hobgoblin was slow to react as daydreams of human stew wafted through his mind.

Page 66: “Remind me again why I didn’t buy that quiver of Ehlonna?”

Page 70: As the tower crumbled beneath her weight, Lidda cursed that last banana split.

Page 74-75: Despite their desire for brains and their superior intelligence, it has never occurred to a mind flayer to grapple with his arms.

Page 78: “I thought only good guys wore white!”

Page 82: “Challenge rating what?!”

Page 92: Ember chuckled at the irony of her name: of all of them, she was the only one not on fire.

Page 97: After the dungeon was sealed, the bugbears realized the catch: they had been paid well to guard the treasure, but alas, there was no place to spend it.

Page 99: The common trait between underground races is the failure to look up.

Page 103: “Ugh, an elf!”

Page 105: In desperation, Nebin played his last card. Throwing his club in the air, he cried, “Fetch, boy, fetch!”

Page 114: Alhandra knew she’d survive this. After all, she’d seen the cover of the Epic Level Handbook.

Page 116: From that day forth, Tordek refused to wear anything other than armor made of rubber.

Page 143: Mialee wondered if it would be too rude to ask the barmaid for a booster seat for Lidda.

Page 145: Impressed with her regalia, Mialee didn’t stop to read the cryptic warning etched on the staff: Side effects may include headaches, nausea and fatigue.

02:38:55 Fri
Jan 17 2003
Re: Beat This Caption!
Page 29
"With my three blades and two sheaths I'm ready for your Sundering tricks"

Page 34
Prestige Class or not, hat or no hat, you just can't be a wizard without big stick in your hand and a star on top of your head.

Page 111, top left
Little Billy fills in while the regular artist is on vacation.

Page 112
Microsoft's new sundial XP.

Page 113
Jack Chick's breakfast nook

Page 127
WoTC Organiztional Chart post-layoffs.

Page 143
Fearing that the heros might be wising up to his polymorph tricks, the BBEG began experimenting with Simulacrum

Page 162
By wearing a face on each arm, a face on his codpiece and engraving a face on his weapon, Tordek was finally able to conform to the 3e facing rules.

Page 165
Monte's high-school algebra notes.

Page 211
When he began adding a somatic component to Polymorph Self the rest of the part began to regret letting Hennet watch Godzilla vs. Megalon.
(betcha can't out-geek that one)

Page 238, top
It's a little heavy, but with my new ball I'm guaranteed to bowl a 300 every time.

13:59:50 Sat
Jan 18 2003
Re: Beat This Caption!
Ha!!! This is great! You guys crack me up! Of course, I found this the funniest:

Quote: Josh

And as to why, like most inexplicably amusing things, it is all womblehunter's fault.


02:36:48 Sat
Feb 8 2003
Re: Beat This Caption!
P. 113: The guy that designed that knife really was a real "lady killer". :tjonjurer:

P. 174: The dark wizard was scared until he realized that one of his assailants was nothing more than a pair of legs with a stick for a head.

P. 190: One of the many cabinets full of fruity liquors in Medesha's house in her island paradise. :tongue:


03:24:47 Sat
Feb 8 2003
Re: Beat This Caption!

02:44:12 Tue
Feb 25 2003
Re: Beat This Caption!

You guys suck! I had to go all the way downstairs to get my DMG, then back upstairs to flip through and match the captions with the pictures. Do you know how many calories I just burned? I need to go eat more cheetos and drink more Mountain Dew now.... I'm blaming Womblehunter!


23:39:49 Fri
Feb 28 2003
Re: Beat This Caption!
p. 162 "Rambo, first dwarf."

p. 168 An angered Umber Hulk expresses his true feeilngs. "Get off my back. Don't bug me."

p. 174 Trinthakis devestated the ground with his staff of deathsong, but the effect was so great, his colleauge went blind. "Ugh, I lost my contacts. Help me find them."

p. 199 "What a rush!!!"

p. 205 "Oh, my pretty wand of insects, I love you. So, I pet it and stroke it and massage it. You are a naughty wand of insect."

00:10:44 Sat
Mar 1 2003
Re: Rambo: First Dwarf


Thelim BlackSoul
23:14:10 Thu
Mar 13 2003
Re: Beat This Caption!
p.9 "If I give a loud war cry and destroy the door, maybe the beholder will be too stricken with fear to realize I'm the first to die on every adventure"

p. 28 "I can balance this bow on my finger... now if I could just learn how to fire it, I'd actually be useful."

p.29 "This assassin believes he's found the counter to sundering: carry more weapons."

p.32 "Looks like he was killed by a pick... good work I must say... a real quality job."

p.39 "Like the fighting classes in the PHB, the commoner looks the most fearsome but mechanically sucks."

p.74 "You're going to die."

p.75 "You've got darkvision, but you're still going to die."

p.78 "As DM, you can energy drain your PCs using cheese and they will have no way of preventing it."

p.92 "If your DM is inexperienced, he may have his monsters waste their special attacks like breath weapons by firing them at impenetrable cover."

p.116 "Disable device, fighter style."

p. 152 "While these look intimidating, they really suck."

p. 162 "Well, at least I look intimidating... maybe the creature I just hit for 2 damage will be so filled with fear it'll fall over dead."

p. 218 "This is not necissarily the safest way to find the local thieves guild."

23:59:02 Sun
Mar 16 2003
Re: Disable device, fighter style!
:lol::lol: Reminds me of the little dude from "Mad Max, Beyond Thunderdome."


08:45:10 Mon
Mar 17 2003
Re: Beat This Caption!
p9 "I will not be your neighbor!"

p15 "When designing a stronghold, it is important to discuss vital decorating decisions with your fellow party members, such as wallpaper."

p74 "Mindflayers are are bad tempered creatures with nasty and hateful dispositions... as is to be expected after the schoolyard teasing they received for having a sexual organ for a face."

p78 "And this is an example of bad touching."

p147 "Dammit, you're aura is leaking again. Now it's got the barmaid!"

p186 "The reason weapons are not made of paper."


23:47:10 Wed
Mar 19 2003
Re: Beat This Caption!
pg 9. "For the 158th time, I told you to stop spying on me!!!" :angry:

pg 15. "Hey shorty, go directly to jail. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200 dollars."

pg 28. "Hey Mom, look what I can do!"

pg 36. The daughter of Micheal Flatley follows in her father's steps.

pg 74. :: blink :: Left Eye!

pg 75. :: blink :: Right Eye! Ack, I knew I was colorblind in that eye.

22:15:48 Wed
Apr 9 2003
Re: Beat This Caption!
p. 151
Warship 25,000gp
Galley 30,000gp
forgetting to put ranks in profession(sailor) Priceless

22:33:45 Wed
Apr 9 2003
Re: Beat This Caption!
PG 162: "Who's yo' daddy, Beeotch?!"

Beat This Caption!
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