Rock n Rolla :: Advice Columns :: 3/13 Annie-Wants to mend break with sister's ex

Dear Annie: I have a question about post-divorce relationships. My sister, "Karen," married my best friend, "Roy," but they divorced two years ago. I have since tried to mend my relationship with Roy, but he has made no attempt to return my calls or acknowledge me, despite several efforts to reach out to him.

I come from a large family, and my wife and I were the first to know the divorce was coming. Both Roy and Karen confided in us for nearly a year before their problems became common knowledge. For a long time, I deeply resented Roy for putting my sister through this misery. They made attempts at counseling before divorcing, but I think Roy was only putting up a front, and never really expected any reconciliation to occur.

Now I have a second sister who also is divorcing, and I don't want to make the same mistake twice. Is there something I should do to mend fences with Roy, or should I just forget it? -- Troubled in Toronto

Dear Troubled: During a relative or friend's divorce, it is best to remain as neutral as possible, offering support and encouragement. Taking sides can only lead to trouble.

It's very likely Roy is aware that you blame him for the split, and this would not make him feel comfortable renewing the friendship. He also may carry some guilt about the circumstances of the divorce, and becoming chummy again could bring back unsettling memories. If you want to mend fences, send an e-mail or leave a phone message saying you'd like to be friends again when he's ready. Then let him make the next move.

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