Rock n Rolla :: Advice Columns :: Conception questions irritate dads

Dear Amy: My partner and I have been in a same-sex partnership for seven years. We have a wonderful 2-year-old daughter. People don't seem to know what is appropriate to say or ask us in relation to our daughter. Both friends and strangers ask us questions such as, "Where did you get her?" or, "Where's her mother?" or, "How was she born?" -- as if we either bought her at the grocery store or stole her from someone.

Some people get quite personal, asking, "Whose sperm did you use?" or, "Did you mix your sperm?"

We are not so concerned about how these questions feel to us, but how our daughter will react when others start posing them to her.

Since you have a large readership, we thought perhaps you might be able to enlighten folks on how to react when they meet a gay or lesbian couple with children. Perhaps you also have suggestions for how we can respond to people.

We have tried various responses ranging from being direct ("We think this is a personal matter, so we'd prefer not to discuss it") to avoiding the issue ("Yes, she's 2 years old and she's our pride and joy") to making a joke ("They were having a sale at Winn-Dixie").

We've asked other same-sex couples about how they respond to inappropriate questions, and nobody has found a truly effective way to respond.

Any suggestions?

-- Dads in Florida

Dear Dads: My first suggestion is that you should cut the "We got her at the Winn-Dixie" line from your comebacks. I understand why you're tempted to use it, but it's not a good idea for your little daughter to hear you joke about her parentage. You are her parents and that is the message you should always convey in her presence.

I think it's wise never to ask probing questions of parents -- or pregnant women. I have a close friend from the South who answers any question she doesn't like by saying, "Aren't you sweet" and changing the subject. In your case, you could say, "Heather has two dads and we're so thrilled. Have you met my partner, David?"

I welcome feedback from readers with experience dealing with this. Normally, a simple, "Why do you ask?" can work with intrusive questions, but in your case I fear that people could answer your query rudely, and I don't think you need that.

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