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4 people online in the last 60 minutes - 0 Canucks, 0 Canucks In Hiding and 4 Visiting Canucks. (Most ever was 233 at 09:22:13 Fri Sep 21 2007) |
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siblygirl  I'm Asleep  1000147 posts  Mood Now:  
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Dear Carolyn: I recently got married (second marriage for both). My wife decided two weeks before the wedding to keep her original married name despite our past discussions.
Her main reason is she now sees that name as her identity. She also believes that since there already is a Mrs. Smith (my ex) with the same first name in our city, there doesn't need to be another. I feel hurt and betrayed because I had made my feelings known long before. If she didn't want my name, then a reversion to her maiden name was fine. But I could see no logical reason for keeping her ex's name. Her tearful reply was that to go back to her maiden name would make her feel like “a child again” and to be known as Mrs. Jones instead is nothing, it's just a name. I have tried to see it through her eyes, but I am feeling betrayed, and at a loss. It's obvious to me that a husband won't be to keen on a wife's using the ex's name. I told her if I had known I wouldn't have planned the marriage until we both were in agreement. Am I being insensitive? -- Bewildered I'm going to go with “inflexible.” No -- “blindly stubborn.” There's some self-absorption in there, too, and a larger control issue or four. To be fair, I have a few words for her, like “timid” and “integrity-challenged.” Lest I be accused of gratuitous name-calling, I'll try to explain my way down to judicious name-calling. You say you “have tried to see it through her eyes,” but, aaank, I don't believe you. Her perspective is basic enough, reasonable enough and well-enough articulated (finally) that I believe missing it demands a willful refusal to see it. She doesn't regard it as her ex-husband's name anymore. It's just a name now. Her name. It's about her identity, not her ex-husband's. But you can't see past him -- i.e., the threat to your ego or manhood or image or notion of family or whatever it is his nominal presence threatens. There's also something else here, something men can be forgiven for not grasping. Changing a name is: a core identity shift, a nice bit of symbolism, a logistical matter. And these apply to, respectively: the name-changer, the spouse and family, everyone else. She has renamed herself once already. As someone who has never had to make that core shift, never been asked to, never been pressured to, you can't fairly ask her to undertake another against her will, not to satisfy your desire for a nice bit of symbolism. Not unless you're willing to do the same. I do feel for you, but her sacrifice outweighs yours, ergo you defer. That said, her dubiously timed reversal (I'd say “ambush,” but that suggests premeditation) was inappropriate, and I'm sure only fueled your feelings of betrayal. Speak, woman, speak. Given the pressure you put on her, though -- “I wouldn't have planned the marriage” (!) -- I get a strong whiff of fear from her actions. She dreaded your reaction, and hemmed and hawed and shuffled as long as she could to avoid it. That should have told both of you something: her to stand up for herself, and you to loosen your grip.
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silver_linings I'm Asleep 1745 posts    Mood Now: 
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I wonder if she has childen from a previous marriage.
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Holly_Green I'm Asleep 1246 posts  Mood Now: 
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That would make sense, if that was the case.
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pyxi_styx I'm Asleep 3982 posts   Mood Now: 
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It does like he doesn't really care about her, though.
Peace out. 
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Peggy_Garfunkel  I'm Asleep 4510 posts  Mood Now:
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Well, I suppose I can understand how he feels, though.
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Holly_Green I'm Asleep 1246 posts Mood Now:
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Well, yeah, but it is still her choice.
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SarahJane I'm Asleep 1825 posts  Mood Now: 
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Well, I have to admit, I do have a hard time understanding, if there are no children in the picture.
~ Sarah Jane
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TragicallyHipper  I'm Asleep 7322 posts  Mood Now: 
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Well, it's possible she may just like the name itself.
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Oowatanite I'm Asleep 2965 posts  
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yeah, that might be possible.
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retro_chica  I'm Asleep 5872 posts  Mood Now: 
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Yes, this I understand perfectly well. 
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Canada rules!
debbey  I'm Asleep 4646 posts    Mood Now: 
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We have a thread about this
 remember what I said about the confusion in households and schools… For example… Wife leaves husband with kids… Reverts to her name… Kids have the name Jones… enter new husband… with the name Smith… 3 names suddenly in one household Let me find the link and add it… Personally… I don't think he is being unreasonable… I know it's only a name… if his feelings are hurt I can see why… she is keeping her EX husbands name… Have some compassion please… Poor Guy… constant reminder she was married to someone else… Cheers! 
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debbey I'm Asleep 4646 posts Mood Now:
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hipgurl I'm Asleep 1664 posts 
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I agree, Debbey. If anyone is being insensitive - I would say that that it's the wife. 
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