"Out beyond ideas of right-doing and wrong-doing there is a field. I'll meet you there." ----- Jalal ad-Din Muhammad Balkhi-Rumi, 13th century Sufi poet.

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"The Secret in healing Narcissism is not to heal it at all, but to listen to it. Narcissism is a signal that the soul is not being loved sufficiently. The greater the Narcissism, the less love being given." ~ Thomas Moore, 'Care of the Soul'.

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Heal NPD :: Open Topic :: Does the rage trash collector come on Thursdays?
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Inverted
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Does the rage trash collector come on Thursdays? ( 16:17:01 FriMay 6 2005 )

I need one. To pick up the rage I've bagged up nice and neatly, and to take it away.

Got into a scenario I'm not too proud of. A guy who is in the show I'm doing is the type of actor I really don't like. Now, first and foremost, this guy is really nice. Great guy.

But he tries so hard. And he overacts, he never plays real, and everyone LOVES him. Haha, look at that. To me he's like 'haha I'm so neurotic I have to please everyone and do way too much look at me look at me look at me'. Grrrrr.

I feel guilty cuz he IS a nice guy. But I sneer at his acting. He is so obvious. And yet everyone likes it, so it gets me angry. I'm one of those silent perfectionists. I do everything privately, then bring my work to the stage and most everyone loves it. They'll compliment me and I'll be like 'huh? oh, ok, thanks, heh' and saunter off, secretly beaming. Heeheehee. God I'm good.

But I bitc*ed about this guy to my friend and she was surprised at my anger. She asked if we were competitive and the answer is no. We never try out for the same parts, and if we did I'd probably wipe the floor with him.

Basically, she was shocked at the raging animosity and I realized I made a boo-boo. Whoops. Red flag. Now she knows I'm a wee bit bitter and something's going on up there in the noggin. Oh well.

So...what should I do? Bite my tongue in rehearsal when I see this guy take a Doo doo on stage everytime he acts? But where can I vent it? Here? I dunno. I try to package the rage and set it out for the rage trash collector, but...it never gets picked up. It gets opened up, late in the night, at 1 am at a bar, with a friend who probably thinks I'm a raging narcissist.

:frustrated:

  
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taransmith
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Re: Does the rage trash collector come on Thursdays? ( 16:49:12 FriMay 6 2005 )

I persoanlly cannot stand the kind of person that is so nice that they make me feel guilty for not liking him. Its a jealousy thing I know is my issue and one it sucks to look at it. I've never felt safe talking to other people about how I feel about someone else because just never know if the other person has some kind of bond with the person I'm jealous of. So like most of the rest of my emotions I shove them into the backseat and pretend like nothing bothers me. So far I haven't ever found any relief in booze or drugs though lately I've overdone it a time or two.

It might sound corny but have you tried writing a letter to this person telling him exactly how you feel without holding anything back. Probably not a great idea to send such a letter but you might try reading it aloud to your therapist and see if that helps you let go of whatever you feel toward him. I've had some success with this so maybe you will as well. The hardest part for me has always been reading the letter aloud to someone after I write it because I feel like such an ass for feeling this way.



  
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Re: Does the rage trash collector come on Thursdays? ( 19:05:53 FriMay 6 2005 )

My emotions are getting a real workout, reading what you guys have to say about your true feelings, and your anger and resentment...because I can identify with it intensely. I used to feel all this stuff myself, though it was many years ago and it's all hazed over now. I am not and have never been NPD - I swear. I figure you are all undercover angels, sent by God, to work us "normals" over, to let us know that there is no such thing as "NPD," only a continuum or numerous continuums of painful and unworthy feelings, all crossing an identical center point.

I wish I could remember what all happened between then (my early years) and now...retrace the steps I took away from those feelings to who I am now. Which is, really, nobody... or a very humble and silly sinner eager to escape notice. Certainly not longing for spotlights and applause. But willing to love unconditionally and sacrifice for another great sinner. (If only he would recognize what a remarkable, God-given gift I am!)

(Sorry. My sense of humor is probably a little peculiar.)

  
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Re: Does the rage trash collector come on Thursdays? ( 21:37:16 FriMay 6 2005 )

Maybe you need to honor your ego's need to receive some of the recognition it believes its due. In caring for the soul we need to be careful not to reject our egos and dismiss their needs as inappropriate. That's not a healthy way to care for ourselves. I'm not saying you need to overdue it, but when someone offers a compliment allow yourself to feel good, to legitimately soak in the moment, and use it as a stepping stone in your growth.

I don't believe the feelings you have for this person are really about him, but deep inside yourself. Is there something about the recognition or the hamming it up which makes you feel fearful? Maybe there is a part of you (the Ego) which sees something inside this person that you don't like about yourself? Can you allow yourself to get beyond the surface desire to rage even long enough to ask yourself why you are feeling such strong fear?

Its interesting to me that you feel this way about someone who is perceived as so likeable and never competes for the same spots. Those are the kinds of people I tend to have difficulty with as well. I think its because there is a part of me that wants whatever it is they appear to have and the only way I usually feel safe is by distancing myself from this by using jealousy and anger. Most of the people who don't bring up these kinds of feelings I can ignore. I have found the more I might want what the person has the more uncomfortable I am being anywhere near this person.

Tell your ego its doing okay and to take it one day at a time.




---
Have faith that people do their best. I don't know anyone who would eat with pigs out of a trough in muddy barnyard if he knew that a well-prepared meal was on the table in a clean house - do you? Greg Baer.
 
 
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Re: Does the rage trash collector come on Thursdays? ( 02:33:52 SatMay 7 2005 )

I think I have been somewhat successful in alleviating most of my rage. At the very least it is certianly not so all consuming anymore.
Here are some of the things I've learned along the way that helped.

Like others said above, there is value in venting and getting our rage out. It helps to write about it here or journal it or write it in a letter etc...
Writing down and / or verbalizing our feelings take some of the weight of them off of us and allows us to examine them from a different perspective.
It is healthy to own whatever feelings we have and to allow ourselves to feel them until we work thru them.

Identify and know what it is EXACTLY that you are really mad about and how you came to be that way and determine if you really think it is a reasonable conclusion or not. If not, decide to change. Make a choice to not allow yourself to spend time thinking about it so much.
Rage for me was like a weed planted in my garden. By thinking about it and dwelling on it, and experiencing the reoccurance thru exposure to the source it was like giving it water and nourishments and so it grew and grew.
I did not actually choose to let it out, I thought I was doing a great job by keeping my mouth shut and containing these feelings. HA! that did not work! The trash never got collected and so it only piled up and up until one day it was over the curb and I was no longer big enough to contain it. Then it started overflowing from me in spurts and doses of emotional overload unleashed.

I learned......

that I don't have to like everybody or everything about everybody. It is okay if I think someone is doing stupid things or is a bad actor or can't sing or whatever.
I am entitled to an opinion if I want to have one. However, I know it is not always best to verbalize my opinion so often I bite my tongue instead. I don't have to tell anyone what I think, in order to have a valid opinion of my own, and that it is best to share true feelings and opinions only with people you really know and trust.

And it is always the best policy to be nice to others and accept that they are whereever they are for whatever reasons they have.

I learned
.....that not everyone knows when they are bad actors or can't sing or when they over compensate or act out. They just don't and I don't have to point it out to them either nor discuss it with others neccessarily. It is enough for me that I know.

....that others will see or perceive things based on their experiences and that that is okay. If they think bad acting is good then so what. I know best what I think is better.I don't get to decide what anyone else thinks but me and my opinion is and should be the most important to me. That does not mean I can't change my mind as I learn and grow or that I know it all.
....that I can make a choice and I can choose to water these weeds and watch them out grow the space available or I can choose to focus on something else entirely blocking out their light and starving them of water.
...that I can and should spend ALL that time focused on doing something else instead like practicing my own skills and trying to become a better person myself.
...that someone setting a good example is someone I can learn from and respect. And maybe I could teach others if I become such an example.
...that I sometimes have the most to learn from the people that aggravate me the most.
...that thinking things thru even after the fact is a good idea and if I made a mistake then I'll try not to make the same one again but beating myself up about it don't help.
....that when we focus on ourselves and our needs and our desires there is little time left for cultivating weeds and over time by doing so I feel better and better.
....that when the garbage stops piling up you no longer need a trash compactor. Without light and water weeds die and shrivel away.
...that there may always be weeds to pull. That I am human and I make mistakes. And that others are human too and they make mistakes too.
....that I can have a beautiful garden to enjoy only if I cultivate the flowers and not the weeds.

:bunny:






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Re: Does the rage trash collector come on Thursdays? ( 02:36:43 SatMay 7 2005 )

The descriptions of the feelings of the NPD'ers here have really moved me - their dealings with others, the jealousy, fear, envy, and despair. They resonate with me. I can't remember the circumstances - it was many years ago. But those emotions come back to me when I read the words here, in this and other threads. And please believe me - I am not NPD... my vulnerabilities lie in a completely different direction.

Tony,, I'm not sure I understand what you're saying. Yes, the old ego has its needs. (Legitimate neeads, too, I think.) And no, my feelings about my NPD'er are NOT about him as much as about me. However, the identification I'm referring to is not so much with him as with you all. No, I don't think it is based on something I fear, something I identify with NPD - or rather I guess it IS based on something I identify as NPD, because I am here, on this board, talking with people who claiim to be NPD'ers, and I find I identify with their feelings. This is what I am remarking - that I identify with NPD'ers.

I do not know that my NPD'er shares these feelings (he always says not), but all the same it gives me the comforting feeling that I understand him better because I understand the feelings you all are expressing here. At the same time, I begin to understand the griping about "labelling" that goes on here. Because I am deeply empathetic about NPD feelings, have shared them in sorrow myself, but can in no way apply the NPD label to myself, I have to ask: what is that label worth, after all?

Tony, I am having serious bewilderment about your post. I don't understand what you mean by my need to rage. I wasn't aware that I I had one, or was doing any raging..

I am completely lost with regard to your reference to my NPD'er as someone "so likeable and never competes for the same spots." What do you mean by "there is a part of me that wants whatever it is they appear to have and the only way I usually feel safe is by distancing myself from this by using jealousy and anger." Am I doing that too?

I am trying to perceive this sort of thing in my feelings for my NPD'er. Maybe you are on to something I haven't realized, but I can't seem to locate any (surface or subterranean) desire to rage, or any strong fear with regard to him.

I would really like to understand what you are saying. Perhaps this "failure to communicate" is revealing of us both. I for one would like a meeting of the minds.

  
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Re: Does the rage trash collector come on Thursdays? ( 02:44:55 SatMay 7 2005 )

Gailabelle, that is quite a grown-up catalogue. I certainly agree with every single item. I also know that it is a costly bit of learning, but surely well worth it.

  
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Re: Does the rage trash collector come on Thursdays? ( 02:46:56 SatMay 7 2005 )

Speer - I guess I wasn't very clear in my reply in that it was more about Inverted and his acting - and his need to rage.

I think its cool that you have the feelings you are experiencing. I think there are a lot of the same kinds of feelings in a lot of people whether they ever have the NPD, or any other label or not. Does your friend feel these same kinds of things? I think its likely he does, but on a very unconscious level. I remember in all seriousiness telling my therapist I don't feel pain. He told me we all feel pain in one way or another. It took me a long time to begin to see where I feel pain and what happens when I feel it. Had someone come to me a few years ago and asked if I could relate to alot in this community I would have almost assuredly said no. Sometimes the pain is so great we cannot allow ourselves to feel it and that is kind of the birth of NPD.



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Have faith that people do their best. I don't know anyone who would eat with pigs out of a trough in muddy barnyard if he knew that a well-prepared meal was on the table in a clean house - do you? Greg Baer.
 
 
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Re: Does the rage trash collector come on Thursdays? ( 21:24:11 SatMay 7 2005 )

Quote: TC

Sometimes the pain is so great we cannot allow ourselves to feel it and that is kind of the birth of NPD.


I agree with this and I think that this is what happens to some of us f/f. I was feeling the pain tho and I was not equipped to handle all the stacked pain of unresolved conflicts and when the pain became so great I needed different coping skills. Only the coping skills that naturally developed to stop the feelings of pain were counterproductive and they don't really stop it all. It was more like they deflected some of it or I went numb by emotionally detaching from first him and then me. I found myself behaving more like my h and engaging in some of the same behaviors as him just to cope. I often think I was on the verge of birthing some semblence of npd or at least many of the associated defense mechs and a lot of interal rage and that thru those experiences I can relate to a lot of the npder feelings expressed here in a way I could not have began to imagine before. I knew what love felt like and what mental state I wanted to return too tho and that was my primary motivation to change. I imagine when one does not know exactly what they are seeking or how it should feel that this process would be far more difficult. Identifying and deactivating the triggers of my pain was a key element in beginning to heal them.



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Re: Does the rage trash collector come on Thursdays? ( 13:55:20 WedMay 11 2005 )

Wow, what great responses. Thanks, lots to think about.

  
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